chaz720.net - journal

April 02, 2000

'I still recall the taste of your tears. Echoing your voice just like the ringging in my ears. My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore. Scraping through my head, til' I don't want to sleep anymore. You make this all go away, you make this all go away. I'm down to just one thing, and I'm starting to scare myself. You make this all go away, you make this all go away. I just want something, I just want something I can never have.'

Well, I hate to disappoint all you faithful viewers in not playing an april fools day joke on you but that would just be so original for a website's host to pull an april fools day on the general public, and besides, right now I'm not really in the mood. I got my report card yesterday, I got all A's and a B+ in government. To which I recieved a stern looking at. My parents understand my point of view but think that I should not kiss fremd goodbye until I am holding the diploma. I guess I see their side too. My dad's birthday is on tuesday and my sister is going to drive up from U of I tomorrow to surprise him. She doesn't have any classes on tuesday so she said she could use an extra day at home. I also saw the whole nine yards yesternight. It was an okay movie but Matthew Perry's character was so obnoxious that it made me sick half way through the movie. I understand that there is comedy relief, but then there's overdoing it. I almost feel as though Bruce Willis was degraded by staring in a movie with that jamoque. It appears as though the WWF has thrown all attempts to not be a soap oprah out the window, the entire Family affair is making me sick and I tihnk they need to get back to pretending to beat the shit out of each other cause otherwise people that live the WWF will start getting really wierd and this is something that we don't need in our society right now. Well, I am unfortunately going to have to go to school tomorrow and it appears as though I have a few thing I have to do before then, So I am actually writing this at around 8 o'clock prolly for the first time in a long time, I will see everyone tomorrow. Ceis la vie, say the ol' folks, it goes to show that ol' folks have their head in their asses.

April 03, 2000

'I can't be held responsible, she was touching her face. I won't be held responsible, she fell in love in the first place. For the life of me, I can not remember, what made us think that we were wise and we'd never comprimise. For the life of me, I can not believe we'd ever die, for these sins, we were merely freshmen.'

I made a couple of changes to my site so that now it is a lot more tolerant of different resolutions. We returned to school today which is okay I guess, I didn't get slammed with shit to do yet. Katie came back from Florida today and she seems pretty happy to get back. Her vaction was only a '9' because she got kinda burnt. It reminds me of when I got cooked out in Vegas at the Air Force's 50th anniversary air show, that was some the worst pain I can remember. Well apparently I hallucinate things, I can't tell when I am awake or when I am asleep, and I heard people talking when they claim to have been asleep, Oh and I drempt that I went downstairs, got a glass of water, answered the phone in my kitchen (this phone call actually just woke me up, which I am glad to be informed), and handed the phone off to someone. I guess I should be commited to an institution so I can't hurt myself or someone else. So I will have to see you all later.

April 04, 2000

'I dream myself a new found pity. Sittin' alone in New York city, and I don't know why. I don't know why. And so I walked up on high, and I step to the edge, to see my world below. And I laughed at myself, while the tears roll down, cause it's the world I know. Oh it's the world I know.'

Happy birthday dad! He turned 58 today and he acts just like he was 49 :). I have decided that losing sleep over the controversy of my mental health and ability to use my senses is not what I want to do. I would like to take the involved parties word for it that I was worried about nothing, and what I heard/saw must have been something else. I would like to believe I can trust them and I hope I am not wrong here if not fuck 'em. I know how strongly I believed that something happened, and I didn't care for the explainations I was given at all. Much less was I pleased with the way they handled it. I felt like they had me on one line and the nutwagon driver on the other. But thank you for at least taking me somewhat seriously in the end. I have realized that we will probably not see much of each other again after about 4 1/2 months, and I want anything but the following months to be with any tensions. The MWF really, really, really needs to practice more as a team if we wish to be more competitive. We have a game tomorrow that we will play against ourselves to help, but one ain't going to do it. We were assigned the motorola project in physics class today. I think this will be a lot of fun. We are to design, draw up, lay out, propose, or what have you, a new type of communicator/orginizer/digital assitant/pager/what have you that will be targeted at people ages 12-18. I can not wait to see what we can come up with, I think this should be a lot of fun. I had an English test today that turned out to be very easy and I wish we had more like it. The upcoming test and essay in government have become take-home and optional respectively, so that takes quite a bit of stess out of my week. on top of that our project for statistics is running very smoothly and we should be fine on it. In gym today we actually dressed in the gym get-ups for the first time since first quarter. We have to get fitness testing out of the way so we can continue the rock-climbing/pamper-jumping/repelling/pole-climbing/rope-ascending course that I signed up for, for a gym class, there is no beating it. One thing I have rediscovered is in the Fremd mens locker room, only about 5% of the lockers work, the rest require large quantities of force to open and close and ofet have to be struck repeatedly to get them to do what you want. I just need to be more careful of the razor-sharp bars that make up the doors of the lockers as I now have a large cut on one of my knuckles thanks to that. Speaking of fitness testing, I found my sheet that lists all my scores that I have gotten on all the tests in high school, and I have found that I have gotten a lot more athletic in my years at fremd, mostly due to wrestling based on the location of my best improvement. I have gone from 5'3'' to 5'8'', from 94 lbs to 135 lbs, I have improved my mile by over a minute, I can do an extra 10 sit-ups for a total of 80, and I went from 7 pull-ups to 16. The only thing that hasn't really changed is the sit and reach, I have gotten 12 every single time, I guess the more things change the more they stay the same, well, I need to get some sleep 'cause I didn't really get much last night.

April 05, 2000

'I cry out to god, seeking only his decision. Gabriel stands and confirms; I created my own prison. So I held my head up high, hiding hate that burns inside, it only fuels their selfish pride. We all live captive under the sun. A sun that shines on only some, we the meek are all in one.'

The Magic Weasel just got liposuction. Since very few people decided to actually show up to the practice, there will only be the few of us still on the team. So the main team will by Rosie, Joel, Jason, and I. With others being Hans, Joe, and D^3. So I have basically gotten over the effects of spring break lag and I think maybe now I can become an active member of society again. I played some UT at joel's house today as part of the practice session which meant dragging my computer over to his house yet again. This time I brought it right back again. I have determined it takes about 20 minutes to get from working at my computer her to working at it there, and about half an hour to get it back (more crap to hook up and it is also behind a desk which don't make it any easier). I haven't really had any signifigant homework yet this week but I have a feeling my weekend is going to be kind of interesting to say the least. I ran the mile today, I don't see why people see it as a big deal, even as juniors and seniors people complain about it. Though not nearly as much I suppose. I never feel motivated to put effort into the mile, I got a 6:45 which is basically a mid to slow jog for me. I think my best time is around a low 6 to a high 5, but that was when I had actually done any cardiovascular activity in the past 4 months. All I have done is sit-ups, weights, and rock climbing, none of which bring your mile time down signifigantly. The only problem I did have is that I have a bit of a cold and it was chilly outside. And I had a stuffed up nose that froze and gave me this really horrible headache that still hasn't gone away, I am actually going to go pop a couple aleve, and go to bed.

April 06, 2000

'And you can�t fight the tears that ain�t coming. Or the moment of truth in your lies. When everything feels like the movies. Yeah you bleed just to know you�re alive. And I don�t want the world to see me. Cause I don�t think that they�d understand. When everything�s made to be broken. I just want you to know who I am.'

The CARE kids are getting a bit crazy. I think I may be gettinga bit lax. I need to figure out a good way to find a medium between the grumpy bossy supervisor that I could be, and the fun loving supervisor that won't get people in trouble that I seem to be now. I guess all of life is about finding a medium that everyone can live with. As the week draws to a close I can feel the pain of work that must be done over the weekend starting to dig in and take root. Mainly, I am having to start writing a paper for English and it is aobut something that I really don't think that I want to. I just have to write the thesis paragraph. Which is usually the hardest part. But then, no part of a paper is really all that hard to write, it's just the thing as a whole that just makes you want to say, 'It has to be how long again...?' I complain way to much for someone who is going into eletrical engineering. Oh well. I guess all I have to say today is to live life, I don't think that anyone can tell us that enough. I need sleep, I am officially sick.

April 07, 2000

'Could you whisper in my ear? The things you wanna feel. I�ll give you anything, to feel it comin�. Do you wake up on your own? And wonder where you are? You live with all your faults. I wanna wake up where you are. I won�t say anything at all. So why don�t you slide.'

Well, our plans to Krispe Kreme were shot down tonight. I am still not entirely sure as to why, but I guess we will have to go some other time. I don't really feel all that well tonight and I can't put my finger on why. Oh, I got this thing in the mail that is an advertisment to join the Marine Corps. It is a cheesy get up with a little wheel that you spin and it points to what you want to do with your life. I spun it and look at the result that I got. What the hell is that exactly supposed to do anyway, some idiot is going to spin that thing and be like oh no. I have been choosen to do this and only this. But then who cares about "idiots". I looked out side today on this beautiful april friday, and I noticed just this one little something: IT'S FUCKING SNOWING OUTSIDE!!! Someone explain to me how in the hell we have one day of the week and it is mid 70's and I need to roll the windows down, to later in the week and I have to brush the windows off, what the hell?!? I made it so that the link at the bottom of these pages are not only more random but can now actually lead you to different places, copmlete with 'alts' and everything. Oh, and if you enjoy UT you will enjoy this. Well, later ya'll, gots to get some sleep I have a long weekend of pain and projects ahead of me.

April 08, 2000

'We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind. 'Cause your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance well they're, no friend's of mine. We can go where we want to, a place where they will never find, and we can act like we come from out of this world, leave the real one far behind. We can act like we want to, if we don't no body will. And you can act real rude, and totally removed, and I can act like an imbicile.'

Today we started work on our radio station presentaion for government, when we are done with it I'll put it up here for postarity. I, with the help of Marty, pointed Hans in the direction of Socks Cap which allows you to get around the downfalls of a proxy server. Things like UT, other online games, and stable connections to napster are now possible over a proxy. And their was much rejoicing. I have made it, if you haven't already noticed, a pain in the ass (if not impossible) to view the source code to my pages. Why you may ask?, eh... 'cause I can, why the hell not? if anyone really wants to get to the code, that's fine, I don't really need to keep it fromt the truely determined, and if someone asks me, or e-mails me real nice like, thenI would most likely send the code to them. I honestly don't think I will ever be asked, I just feel like flexing my webmaster muscule every now and then. So we hung out at Joel's for a while and did nothing, and then we went over to Jason's and did nothing. And now I am back here about to fire up a game of unreal tournament with Joel, Rosie, Hans, and Myself. So that is about the extent of my day's excitement. Talk to ya'll later.

April 09, 2000

'I would say I'm sorry if I thought that it would change your mind, but I know that this time I have said too much, been too unkind. I tried to laugh about it, cover it all up with lies. I tried to laugh about it, hiding the tears in my eyes, cause boys, don't cry. Boys don't cry. I would break down at your feet and beg forgiveness, plead with you. But I know that it's too late, and now there's nothing I can do. So I tried to laugh about it, cover it all up with lies. I tried to laugh about it. Hiding the tears in my eyes, cause boys, don't cry. Boys don't cry. I would tell you, that I loved you. If I thought that you would stay. But I know that it's no use, that you've already gone away. Misjudged your limits, pushed you too far. Took you for granted, I thought that you needed me more. Now I would do most anything to get you back by my side. But I just, keep on laughing, hiding the tears in my eyes, cause boys, don't cry. Boy's don't cry. Boys don't cry.'

How did I not see this coming (smacks self in back of head).

April 10, 2000

'Mark, he got with Sharron, Sharron got Sheria, she was sharing Sharron's outlook on the topic of the seas. Mikey had a facial scar and Bobby was a racist, they were all in love with dying, they were doing it in Texas. Tommy played piano like a kid out in the rain, and then he lost his leg in Dallas, he was dancing with a train. They were all in love with dying, they were drinking from a fountain that was pourin' like an avalanche, comin' down the mountain. I don't mind the sun sometimes, the images it shows. I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes. Cinnimon, and sugery, and softly spoken lies, you never know just how to look through other peoples' eyes.'

Today I made another very much twisted Flash 4 cartoon This one is a quite a step ahead of the last one that I made, and it actually shows that I sort of know what I am doing. Mr Neiweem wasn't in class today, so we did not have to present our projects yet, so now I can have a chance to finish it which is what I am going to do as soon as I am done with this. We did give our stat presentation today and it went relatively well. Considering we are all seniors and are concerned with very little along the lines of schoolwork at this point. Today it snowed again, although there was no accumulation. The snow did, however, manage to turn otherwise tolerable drives into blithering idiots of the freeway. Every street wa backed up to every other street. Often in several mile chuncks too. I had a hard time even getting out of my neighborhood. I have a problem. I don't seem to know how to get Katie to understand that I have a right to feel hurt by what happened. I am sorry about her friend, I have told her this on many occasions, I I don't want to do anything to dishonor them, but she have to understand, she can still screw with people's minds when she isn't feeling well. I don't really know why she won't agknowledge my right to be a little upset about the whole prom situation, but I am, what can I say? I'm sorry she had to get frustrated about it but that is one of the reasons I don't even feel I can talk about it at the moment. I have one of the greatest ability to not be affected by shit that gets thrown at me, I am able to absorb it and not feel any different. I consider this a double-edged sword. While it prevents me from being hurt a lot of times, it makes it very easy to be taken advantage of and not even care. And something tells me that I am going to run into this problem in the future.

April 11, 2000

'Woke up this morning and the sun was gone. Turned on some music to start my day. I lost myself in a familiar song. I closed my eyes and I slipped away. It's more than a feeling, more than a feeling. When I hear that old song they used to play. I begin dreaming. 'Til I see Marianne walk away. So many people have come and gone. Their faces fade as the years go by. Yet I still recall, as I walk along. As clear as the sun in the summer sky. It's more than a feeling, more than a feeling. When I hear that old song they used to play. I begin dreaming. 'Til I see Marianne walk away. When I'm tired and I think I'm cold, I hide in my music and forget the day. And dream of a girl I used to know. I closed my eyes and she slipped away, she slipped away. It's more than a feeling, more than a feeling. When I hear that old song the used to play. I begin dreaming. 'Til I see Marrieanne walk away.'

90% of all songs are actually depressing if you listen to the lyrics. I have come to realize that since I started with the whole lyrics of the day thing. Oh well, I really like that song, depressing as it may be. And it is truer than I thought. I love listening to music whenever I can. Every moment I'm in my car (it seems like most of my life is spent behind the wheel) and most all the time I am at my computer. I love just about all types of music, and there are few songs that I have said sucked in basically ever mood I am ever in. (anything 98 degrees, N'SYNC, or backstreet boys is a bunch of cra that all sounds the same and has shitty lyrics, but they don't have much music in the grand scheme of things, so I am not going to concern myself with them. Another thing I have gotten back to doing is working on my rubiks cube. Back in the day (november) before I started this journal I learned how to solve it and I had it down to around 2 minutes from any position to finished each time. I guess that would classify me in the dork range once again, but at least I was determined. People don't realize that you don't have to be smart to solve a rubiks cube, all you have to do is have a decent memory, and a lot of patience to practice. I don't even think when I am solving the thing, and a vast majority of the time I am not even watching what I am doing. I hate to ruin the magic for any of you out there, but all I am doing is repeating moves in a specific order. It looks like I am actaully figuring it out as I go along. oh well. Go to ask jeeves If you want to be a dork in this catagorey just like me. If you have a computer that is always connected to the internet (cable, xDSL, LAN) I would strongly recommend a program such as this: Zone Alarm. Even if you just play around with it and see what it can do, I suggest it. It is pretty much a set-up once and forget about it program that prevents people from gaining unauthorized access to your computer through an open port, such as 139 (NetBEUI) which is always open on your computer if you have a lan that allows file/printer sharing (hint hans, get the program). It is incredibly non-intrusive, and any program that uses the internet will run through it fine (netscape, outlook, IE, napster, AIM, unreal, bullet-proof ftp, ICQ all work) and it doesn't signifigantly eat bandwidth/system resources. And it's free. In otherwords, get the program, I recomend you set both the local and internet security levels to medium. that will get the job done without being a pain in the ass. Let's all have a moment of silence in mourning of Joel's dead engine block... ...okay that'll do. No seriously, I feel bad cause having his car be all broke ass like that is really not what he needs right now. I hope that it can be resolved without any major expenses. Katie admitted to me today that basically she knows that she fucked up, and that she didn't mean to hurt me. And I believe her. I got caught in the middle of a bunch of fans just as the shit was being inserted into them. The funniest part (from my point of view anyway) is that this whole thing has sparked crusades to rip on Katie in my honor. I have to say that I am flattered, but that's all I have to say.

April 12, 2000

'how many special people change? How many lives are living strange? Where were you while we were getting high? Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball. Where were you while we were getting high? Someday you will find me, caught beneath a landslide. In a champagne supernova in the sky. Someday you will find me, caught beneath a landslide. In a champagne supernova, a champagne supernova in the sky. Wake up the doll and ask her why, she dreams a dream, that never dies. Wipe that tear away now from you eye. Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball. Where were you while we were getting high? Someday you will find me, caught beneath the lindslide. In a champagne supernova in the sky. Someday you wil find me caught beneath a landslide. In a champagne supernova, a champagne supernova. Cause people believe that they're gonna get away for the summer. But you and I, will never die, the world still spins around, we don't know why. Why? Why? Why? Why?'

Sometimes I don't know why the world spins the way it does and how it seems to spin like a fan pulling shit toward it. Joel is having a really horrible time lately and he is handling it very well, at least on the outside. Parents breaking up is never good for the kids involoved no matter what anyone says. He has been crapped on by his dad for the last time and he left home. Read details on Joel's Site if you want to, but if you want to do so somewhat quickly cause Joel's webspace is going to change pretty soon to a xoom server, and I don't know when his dad will take down the other page. It's actually kinda funny in one sense, I don't know how often Mr. Hayhurst used Joel's computer if at all, but now his is stuck with a bunch of stupid Macs. Oh, and by the way Joel, I talked to my dad, and he says since you're 18 he has no problem if you stay here for as long as you need, at least until graduation. And you'd be a welcome here. We had an MWF game today, and although I got the highest score on the team by over double, I don't feel that great about it. If I don't accomplish something along with the rest of them, it doesn't really matter how many kills I get. We first played a game on their server, and they all had pings ranging from 35 to 160. And we had pings ranging from 460-750. I have the screenshots on Hans' computer of the mess saved and I will get those up here, maybe tomorrow. It's kinda hard to play when 75% of outgoing and 25% of incoming packets are lost. It results in a lot of suicides from shooting walls and such. They were being Jackasses about it, and we asked for a rematch hosted on Rosie's computer. Which we got and when we connected to Rosies computer, everyone in the game had pings of about 150, it was perfect and they agreed that a rematch was do-able. Although about 5 minutes into the game our pings went back up to 400 and their pings went back down to 80. So we got compltetely shafted. Besides, they had red on november which is the better color to be I hate to say it, cause of the easy sniping and the huge corridor to the flag, as well as the easy escape route through the pipe once you have the flag. Now that I think about it, there really isn't any advantage to being blue on that map. I will wrap it up by saying that the best way to break in a rubiks cube is to break it, literally, just make like oyu are trying to turn it two directions at once and the whole thing will crumble, once it's back together, it will be much easier to mess with.

April 15, 2000

'This bed is on fire with passionate love. The neighbors complain about the noises above. But she only comes when she's on top. My therapist said not to see you no more. She said you're like a disease without any cure. She said I'm so obsessed that I'm becoming a bore. Oh you think you're so pretty Caught your hands inside the till, slammed your fingers in the door, fought with kitchen knives and skewers. Dressed me up in women's clothes, messed around with gender roles, dye my eyes and call me pretty. Moved out of the house so you moved next door. I locked you out, you cut a hole in the wall I find you sleeping next to me, I thought I was alone. You're driving me crazy, when are you coming home?'

Yesterday we went to Krispe Kreme which was cool. I have a whole ton of doughnuts, and I think I am going to be sick cause I ate too many. Speaking of being sick, I think we are all sick, and I think it may have started with Hans' dad, damn it, I hate micro-orginisms. Many of them serve little or no useful purpose and thus have no right to exsist. Okay I'm just kidding, I realize that's a dumb statement, but if you can come up with some argument against it, please e-mail it to me. I haven't updated in a few days cause I've been genearally busy and haven't really gotten araound to it until late and even then I wasn't really in the mood to sit at my computer and type for extended periods of time. Tonight we went to see the Smashing Pumpkins at the Aragon in Chicago. That was really great, about a quarter of the way through it Hans and I managed to procure pretty bad ass seats one the balcony while Marci and Joel were down on the floor danceing in the crowd. I think I just need to alternate concerts, one in the fray, and one on the bench. Every now and then it is nice to stand in a giant clump of people you don't know and crush one another, but for the pumpkins I wanted to sit back and enjoy it. On the way out it was funny, we wanted to take one of the big Q101 signs that was on the walls and we weren't sure if anyone would care, so Hans and I try to inconspicuously take one down corner by corner, and just when I was about to turn and roll it up, some guy walks by and tears it down and walks off with it. I'm like, fuck, so I just walk around the corner and rip the next one I saw off the wall and just walked off with it. Oh, and my car is now worth an extra $105... ...well, to me anyway. We had parked in a parking lot that was supposed to be for a shopping center, and my car (along with 3 others that we know of for sre cause we met the people) got towed. All I have to say is fuck the police, and fuck Lincoln Towing (3228 Clarke St. Chicago IL near the corner of Clarke and Lawrence in case any of you feel the need to vandalize something) So basically I paid 105 bucks to park my car, what a rip-off. I suppose this will pass, cause nothing bad happened to the car (i.e. it is still in one piece and it still has an Alpine in it) and it isn't as though these things get recorded anywhere. Apparently I handled it pretty well acording to Marci and Joel. My attitude towards life prevents me from dwelling on this any longer. Oh, and from now on Joel is banned from playing with my slinky while under the influence of stupidity (at no point is he allowed to touch the slinky) cause he managed to (while joking about how easy it was to not get it tangled none the less) get it into a horrible mess with which Marci had to screw with for a good 20 minutes to get un-fucked-up. Afterwords we crashed at my place for a while and Joel and I talked about how he came to meet everyone that he knows now and I did the same, and it is really interesting to see how changes in the people you are with can cause changes in you, really deep stuff. Well, I need sleep now, cause I spent too much time walking (with a group of other people that had their cars towed) through the windy streets of Chicago to the impound yard where my car was when I wasn't all together feeling very well to begin with. I'm gonna let this day slide by as being average when you throw everything together.

April 16, 2000

'She said, 'I don�t know if I�ve ever been good enough' I�m a little bit rusty and I think my head is caving in. And I don�t know if I�ve ever been really loved, by a hand that�s touched me. And I feel like something�s gonna give, and I�m a little bit angry. Well, this ain�t over, no, not here. Not while I still need you around. You don�t owe me, we might change. Yeah, we just might feel good. I wanna push you around. Well, I will Well, I will. I wanna push you down. Well, I will Well, I will. I wanna take you for granted. I wanna take you for granted. Yeah, yeah, well, I will. She said I don�t know why you ever would lie to me. Like I�m a little untrusting. When I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya. And I don�t know why you couldn�t just stay with me. You couldn�t stand to be near me. When my face don�t seem to want to shine. �Cause it�s a little bit dirty. Well, don�t just stand there, say nice things to me. �Cause I�ve been cheated, I�ve been wronged. And you, you don�t know me. Yeah, well, I can�t change. I won�t do anything at all.'

Today was kinda weird. Joel had to work during the day. I went to Brian's house to play basketball. That was fun, it was Jason and Rosie vs. Myself, Hans and Joe. The fact that none of the three of us play basketball ever became very apparent. While we were playing Mr. Hayhurst drove up to us and told us that the people that were hiding Joel are fucked, that no one is entitled to a college education, and that he was getting taken in the divorce settlement and that is why he said he wasn't paying for Joel's college. We all just looked at him with the, okay why are you telling us look and then he drove away. I really don't know what to say about that. My dad was cool about the whole getting towed thing (he wasn't happy but we'll live) he just said that a hundred bucks isn't the end of the world as long as I don't let it happen again and that nothing happened to the car. Both things will be true as best as I can manage. In case you haven't noticed cause you are mental I have changed the look of the journal. I have been to various sites and all of the sites that keep some form of news/events that are listed by date have some form of header for the date, I figured why can't I be like everyone else? and when I couldn't come up with a reason I made a little dinky header bar that goes on the top of each day. If you are bored, take the time to play this Chocolate Easter Bunny Game (note: yes this is very cruel, I realize that, but it can still be funny can it not?) I think I have to go see if there is any homework to have been done this weekend so I will see you all later.

April 17, 2000

'Just when everything was making sense. You took away all my self-confidence. Now all that I've been hearing must be true. I guess I'm not the only boy for you. That's what I get. That's what I get. That's what I get. That's what I get. How can you turn me into this? After you just taught me how to kiss. I told you I'd never say goodbye. Now I'm slipping on the tears you made me cry. But that's what I get, that's what I get, that's what I get, that's what I get. Why's it come as a surprize? To think that I was so nieve. Maybe it didn't mean that much, but it meant everything to me. That's what I get, that's what I get, that's what I get, that's what I get.'

Damn, Trent Reznor has some severe break-up issues, seeing as just about every song has that brutal theme in it, ouch. I guess that topic just makes up some of the best lyrics which is, as far as I know, what Nine Inch Nails is shooting for. Well today, as most mondays do, partially sucked, and the other part, well, it wasn't so bad. I learned several (well re-enforced lessons I knew) lessons today. One being that you must never get caught up doing something and lose sight of the big picture. I went downtown to fix some copmuters at my dad's office, and I was so busy trying to fix something that didn't want to be fixed that I missed the point. Once my dad reminded me of the goal this was all trying to accomplish, I did somthing completely different that took five minutes, that ended up getting the same goal accomplished. Secondly, is that people love beating the shit out of themselves. I'm convinced that relationships are the sole source of pain in the world, and friendships are the only source of happiness. So why do we enjoy doing this? pfft, cause however we're wired it was done when someone was smoking up. We watched RAW tonight, and is one of the first times in a long time that I watched it and felt wholely entertained by it, they actually had cool plot twists and everything. The soap opera lives on! So while we were watching RAW, I left 16 godlike bots to beat the hell out of each other in a small room with insta-gib (one shot one kill) mode on. I have a screenshot of the disaster area when the dust still had yet to settle, and it appears as though lungfish's Shadow flew to the lead and stayed there most of the game. On the way back home from Chicago today, something interesting happened. I was going to try to get some sleep, but I ended up thinking instead. I re-explained to myself Einstien's Theory of Relativity. I then came up with several examples to prove it. And then I figured out why it is kinda a dumb theory (no offence Einstien). One of the main concepts says, that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. The problem is, he assumes this to be true in order to proove it. Example: (the most common one) Guy 'A' is on a train moving at speed 'X', Guy 'B' is watching the train go by. Guy 'A' shines a light straight up at a mirror on the cieling of the train. To him, the light travels 2h (the height of the car and back). Guy 'B' sees somthing different, he sees the light move in a triangle pattern due to velocity X. There for, relative to Guy A, Guy B sees the light travel further. But the light leaves the flashlight and gets back to the flashlight at the same instant no matter where you are. And the same quantity of time elapses in both situations, hmm. So if light travels at the same speed no matter what, and it can't be affected by how fast X is, than that means that time itself must have gone by faster for Guy 'A'. Theoretically, the faster you go the faster time will go buy, because the faster you go, the larger the descrepency in distances that is seen between Guy 'A' and Guy 'B'. As X approaches the speed of light, the speed of time approaches infinity. Thus, time would cease to exsist. If you went faster than the speed of light, time would in fact go backwards. This is why Einstien felt that nothing can travel at or above the speed of light. But I mean honestly, who can claim outright that time can't travel backwards, how foolish of Einstien to make such a rediculous assumption. Uh, oh, I think I can feel myself getting tired now, So I have to go lay down and try to will myself to actually fall asleep.

April 19, 2000

'Jan lays down and wrestles in her sleep. Moonlight spills on comic books, and superstars in magazines. An old friend calls and tells us where to meet. Her plane takes off from Baltimore and touches down on Bourbon Street. We sit outside and argue all night long about a god we've never seen, but never fails to side with me. Sunday came and all the papers say. Ma Teresa's joined the mob, and happy with her full time job. Am I alive or thoughts that drift away? Does summer come for everyone? Can humans do what prophets say? And if I die before I learn to speak can money pay for all the days I lived awake but half asleep? A life is time, they teach you growing up the seconds ticking killed us all a million years before the fall you ride the waves and don't ask where they go you swim like lions through the crest and bathe yourself in zebra flesh. I've been downhearted baby, ever since the day we met.'

yesterday I didn't write an entry cause I feel asleep before I got around to it. We played an MWF game and I had my copmuter at Hans's house, I got home with it late and had no energy to type. We won the game, somehow Joel managed to get one extrra kill above me, 47 to my 46, either he is getting better all the time and he was especially good at defending on that level. We won six captures to one but we had more people than they did, so they did a really good job considering. Today I caught up on my sleep and hopefully I wil be able to redeem some of that cause I have quite a bit of stuff to do tonight before I go to sleep. My Grandma is back in town, and she is simultainiously the nicest and most demanding person I have ever known, the only real complaint I have is that with her, everything has to be done 10 minutes ago, you wouldn't think it would be that big of a deal, but she has this weird way of coming up with things that I have to (that given are important to do) yet I'm convinced these things didn't exsist when she wasn't here. I don't know, they way she says everything so specifically it sounds like more than it is all the time, she just wants me to get it done and wants to keep me motivated to do it. I have decided that (in the fashion of Joel's cousin) I am going to record the little chunks of song that I have been putting up here and post them for you to hear, I just have to figure out some good way to convert the WAVs that I have into real audio format so that you don't actually have to download anything in order to listen to them. I will most likely get to that this weekend since it is a four day weekend and I will surely have some free time as it goes on. 'Til then, wish me luck on my presentations that I am involved in tomorrow. Laterz.

April 20, 2000

'You got your ball, you got your chain, tied to me tight, tie me up again. Who's got their claws in your my friend, into your heart, I'll beat again. Sweet like candy to my soul, sweet you rock and sweet you roll. Lost for you I'm so lost for you. You come crash into me, and I come into you, In a boy's dream. In a boy's dream. Touvh your lips just so I know. Oh in your eyes, love, it glows so I'm bare-boned and crazy, for you. When you come crash, into me, and I come into you. In a boy's dream, in a boy's dream. If I've gone overboard than I'm beggin' you to forgive me oh in my haste, when I'm holding you so, girl, close to me.'

Well, I feel like an idiot, this morning I woke up early (5:30) so that I could prepare my testamony in our simulation of a senate hearing in government. I am playing the role of someone who is against an amendment to protect the flag from desecration. Which is perfect for me because, although you wouldn't catch me burning a flag, I don't feel that the government has any right to prevent anyone from doing so if it is their flag, and they are protesting or making a point. I am so unbelieveably happy that the weekend is here and I will finally be able to get some sleep cause it seems as though I have gotten nearly none all week. Tomorrow Katie's sister is going to have surgery. this is has been very hard on both Katie and Kim, and tonight Joel, Katie and I all had a huge discussion about what we we do in varios sitations involving severe medical conditions. I think we all share very different opinions of how to handle it, and they really reflect the personality of us all. If I, for instance, was told that I had brain cancer or something and that had about 6 months to live, I don't think I would tell anyone. I would try to act myself. I am happy with myself. I am pretty happy with how my life is going. An I feel that I am in most people's good opinion. I don't put a lot of effort into being who I am. How you see me is most always in my natural state. The only problem I would have with telling people is that I absolutely deplore pity. I feel patronized by it. I don't really aprecieate it. I love drawing attention to myself through making other people happy, no making them sad, that's just not any fun for me or them. So having people be depressed for me is not what I would want if I was going to die. I have this image of me telling people that I had six months to live, and then going on with my life as normally as I can. They would make their best efforts to act as normally as possible, but then I would just know that after I left the room they would make comments about how sorry they were for me, and how I was handling it so well, and how that just made them felt. And that is the image that makes me sick. I wouldn't want people sitting around talking about how sorry they feel for me. That's just fucking depressing. Today I got my new FOID (firearm ownership ID) card in the mail so I can now legally transport firearms in my car and on my person, provided they are not concealed. But that is completely random. After our talk we listened to the rain/built a fire and sat around for a few hours until we basically fell asleep watching Scooby Doo. Oh, and what the hellis up with Mobil stations being closed at like 2:30 in the morning around here, what? just 'cause it's late means that people can't be low on gas? oh well, I'll just have to fill it up tomorrow morning, I'll see you all later.

April 22, 2000

'Somewhere there's speaking. It's already coming in. Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind.You never could get it. Unless you were fed it. Now you're here and you don't know why. But under skinned knees and the skid marks. Past the places where you used to learn. You howl and listen. Listen and wait for the echoes of angels who won't return. He's everything you want. He's everything you need. He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be. He says all the right things at exactly the right time. But he means nothing to you, and you don't know why. You're waiting for someone, to put you together. You're waiting for someone to push you away. There's always another wound to discover. There's always something more you wish he'd say.'

Wow, lots of interesting stuff today. Where do I even begin? I guess the morning would be a good place. Marci, Joel, and I had breakfast at the IHOP which was a lot of fun, I haven't eaten there in a while and I forgot how good those pancakes are. After that we hung around my house until joel had to go to work, then I did some things I needed to get done. After that I went over to Hans' house cause we had an MWF game at 7. We didn't win, but I still think this is probably the best game we've had so far, our others have been pretty much slaughterings one way or the other, but this one was actually fun. Here is the screen from the end of the game, as you can see we all played closer as a team and no one person did all the work as used to happen when we had all the ohio guys. The real fun came after the game when we played several hours of lan games and we determined we liked the teams of Joel and I vs. Joe, Rosie, and Hans. We won almost every game we played, but they did beat us a few times, and that is very good cause Joel and I rock as a team (yeah, I know, I'm the most modest person you know). I managed to grab a few screenshots that were interesting and I will share them here. 1) Joel eating the ground next to the flag, 2) A picture with two blue flags that I can't explain, 3) Here is one of Joel being a moron. Those are the great times. I will pause and mention that I though that this cartoon was really funny, particularly if you have ever played chu chu rocket (if not it doesn't make much sense, but then who really cares.) We also found a whole ton of really shitty, not funny comics that don't make any sense what-so-ever, but take a look if you want. So after we get done geekin' it up by playing UT for several hours, we decide to go over to Jason's house. We call him and he puts us on hold, and then he says he'll call back. So we go to his house, and instead of going in, we develop this ingenious plan to screw with him. we call him up from his driveway and tell him to meet us at 7-eleven. he says,okay 10 minutes or so. So we wait outside his court and when he pulls out we follow hime there. When we get there, we pull into a closed gas station across from the 7-eleven and watch what he does. Just as we are laughing about how he is looking around and he walks into buy something, a cop pulls in behind me with that damn spotlight and walks up and asks what we are doing there. I'm like, oh, sorry, we are just waiting for some friends at the 7-eleven. So he checks my liscence and says, okay, just don't black-out, keep your lights on, I said oh okay, I'm sorry. So then the cop leaves and Jason walks back to his car and moves it over to the other side of the lot, we laugh and figure outthe best way to screw with him more. Ahem... ...cop #2 shows up. Cop: hey what are you guys doin' here Hans: Oh, we were just waiting for our friends at the 7-eleven, we already had another cop talk to us, he said it was okay as long as we kept our lights on Cop: oh, okay (drives away) Ryan: Oh my god, that got rid of him way too well. So the cop drives over to where Jason is parked and asks what he's doing there. Jason: waiting for some friends Cop: four of them? Jason: yeah. Cop: in a blue Saturn? Jason: yeah Cop: um, yeah, they're sitting over at the Citgo over there. Jason: ah ha ha ha ha ha ha. So the cop leaves and Jason pulls out to go home and we pull out in front of him and go really slow all the way down the street. Now that's a fun story if I've ever heard one. The surgury went well for Kim, she is doing just fine, and they find out in about a week if they have anything to worry about. Oh, and Katie is moving (not far) to the nothern part of Inverness. I think it will be rougher on Kim than Katie 'cause it'll prolly mean a high school change for her, whereas Katie won't really live there for very long, and it will only really matter for vacations when she comes back. But I think that moving can be fun if you let it. I remember when I moved it was really great, we went from a small ranch w/o a basement, and now I love our house. It just passed four in the morning, so I am going to get some sleep so as to be able to function in the morning.

April 23, 2000

'Oh my life, is changing everyday, in every possible way. And oh my dreams, it's never quiet as it seems, never quiet as it seems. I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more, because it came from you. And then I open up and see, the person falling here is me, a different way to be. I want more, impossible to ignore, impossible to ignore. And they'll come true, impossible not to do, impossible not to do. And now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me; you're what I couldn't find. A totally amazing mind, so understanding, and so kind, you're everything to me.'

Well that was an interesting Easter for me, it was spent esssentially just with my Grandmother and I. Joel stopped in and had a little something to eat but the whole of the rest of my day was spent either sitting around doing nothing, or worse, watching Joel play Final Fantasy VII. Well, after dinner we all went to Hans's house and determined that there was absolutely nothing to do there so we ended up coming back to my place and watched Die Hard 2. I never noticed before how horrible some of the lines are in that movie until now. I mean honestly, "just the fax ma'am"?, who writes that. Oh well, then we saw some sort of Space ghost program that was completely random as usual. It didn't make any sense whatsoever, it was an award show of some sort where they had the directors of various cartoons on and a panal of random Space Ghost characters come in as a panal of judges who would give random number ratings that made no sense and make stupid comments the whole time. Now that's good television. Hans had to go home early cause he wasn't feeling well. I am starting to get really worried about Hans. It seems as though he is sick all the time but I don't think that his parents let him ever just miss a day to get better. Oh well, he only has to put up with them bullying him through school for a couple more months and then he is home free towards having his own life. I made the grave, grave, mistake of digging out my sister's playstation, and then allowing Joel to Play Final Fantasy VII. Cause he has played about 5 hours into it now in just two sittings, and even now he is playing it. I tell you, it never ceases to amaze me. I made a little banner logo for my site, and I have included the image as well as the code to stick it on the site in this little zip file so if you are a fan/friend/complete idiot who had no idea who I am bt puts links to random shit that they like on their sites, than you can have a link that is worthy of it's destination :). Night ya'll, I'm gonna try to reclaim my room now.

April 24, 2000

'i hurt myself today. to see if i still feel. i focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. the needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting, try to kill it all away. but i remember everything. what have i become, my sweetest friend? everyone i know goes away in the end. you could have it all, my empire of dirt. i will let you down. i will make you hurt. i wear my crown of shit upon my liar's chair, full of broken thoughts i cannot repair. beneath the stains of time the feeling disappears. you are someone else. i am still right here. what have i become, my sweetest friend? everyone i know goes away in the end. you could have it all, my empire of dirt. i will let you down. i will make you hurt. if i could start again, a million miles away, i would keep myself. i would find a a way.'

Today was sort of okay, sort of a waste. I spent about two hours on a project today only to have my computer crash, and since I am a moron, I hadn't saved it and had to start over again. But the second time I knew exactly what to do so I did it a lot faster. And I still got it done, so it's all okay. What is this project he speaks of? Why, none other that the new improved that now uses flash 4 to annoy my friends rather than the boring old tables. I said it before and I'll say it again, I am not going to change any of the info on that page until we graduate. I jsut want you to all see where I and everyone else stood back in the begining of December when I made that page. So anyway, don't bug me about changing it until we graduate. Today I got some of my homework done, enough to tide me over for the next few days, so that is good, after I picked up Joel at work, Joe, Jason and I, and later Rosie for a little bit, went on a UT server and just started dominating. There was one guys whose name was 'fuck_fuck_fuck" who was originally like, 'I thought clans were supposed to be good' trying to make fun of us. But when we shut out his team 6 times in a row he stopped talking. Every game, Jason and I were in the top three on our team, and a couple of the times our little trash talking wanna-be ad less than 5 points, oh, so sorry. Joel has hooked himeself back into FF VII and has played it for almost two hours again tonight. Oh, and, very soon my site will be moving, well, not really moving so much as gaining a new access point. it will be www.chaz720.net I hope to have it working by friday, oh, and I will be able to recieve mail at any_damn_thing_you_please@chaz720.net. So that will be fun. I will let you know for sure when it works. til then, later all.

April 25, 2000

'I don�t know what you�re looking for. You haven�t found a thing, that�s for sure. You rip me up, you spread me all around, in the dust of a bitter time. And this is not a case I�ve lost, you see. It�s not a matter of you verses me. It�s fine the way you watch me on your own. But in the end it�s always me alone. And I�m losing my favorite game. You�re losing your mind again. I�m losing my baby. Losing my favorite game. I only know what I�ve been working for. Another you so I could love you more. I really thought that I could take you there. But my experiments not getting us anywhere. I had a vision I could turn you right. A stupid mission and a legal fight. I should�ve seen it when my hope was new. My heart is black and my body�s blue. And I�m losing my favorite game. You�re losing your mind again. I�m losing my favorite game. You�re losing your mind again. I�m losing my baby, Losing my favorite game. I�m losing my favorite game. You�re losing your mind again.'

Um yeah, my day was shitty, how about ya'll. I don't even know where to start bitching, but you know what, I've said it before, and I'll say it again, if there is one thing that pisses me off (and this might just be the only thing) it is getting pity, I think if you give pity to someone of my attitde about life, it is the biggest insult you can place on them. So for now, I won't even say anything, cause right now I dont' want to hear about it, maybe soon, I'll tell you the story that has kept me awake, kept me bothered, kept me writing all these entries that start out with a song about a broken heart or unrequited love. maybe. Or maybe you already know, maybe I'll let you decide waht the story is for yourself. Well, on a lighter note, I got my new domain name up and running. so now my official site can be reached at www.chaz720.net. I also am going to really get a kick out of this whole anythingIwant@chaz720.net e-mail thing. I have already come up with several, and so have other people (cough)katie(cough) and if you think of something stupid feel free to not e-mail me about it, oh, and as of now my e-mail addy I will be using on a regular basis will be, TheAlmightyRyan@chaz720.net. so if you start getting from there, don't act surprized. Act blessed that you would recieve an e-mail from someone as world-renouned as myself, and as always, remember that you are a better human for simply laying your eyes on this site.

April 26, 2000

Well, I feel I lot better now that I have cleared a lot of things up with Katie. I finally know where and why the two of us stand (which is a very nice thing to know) I have always felt better about things once they reach a point like this. The two of us have also decided that if we ever have a problem again, it is not to be spoken to anyone else in the group, not because we don't trust them, or because we dont' want them to know, but rather because ideas have a really bad tendency to get horribly mauled in the translation. I made a new page on my site which is such a big deal nowadays that I seem to be doing this all to frequently. I doubt that the new page will make as a big an impact on the interest people have in my site as did the journal (no one ever used to read my site before I started my journal, I guess everyone enjoys a good soap opera). but I hope that you will take the time to read it. It is entitled 'not a journal' and can be reached by clicking the, yep you guessed it, not a journal button at the top of the page. I have no intention of updating that page every day, and it will most likely be once a week. There is stuff in there that really doesn't belong in a journal and I wanted to have a seperate place for it, it isn't stuff that happened to me in my day, so it would be stupid to say it here. Tonight, Mrs. Voigt is having a talk with Joel about his situation. I don't think that at this point anyone wants to see him have to go to school somewhere that he doesn't really want to go. I would love to see him go to Purdue. And I think that is what he deserves, so if he and his dad can work something out, I say more power to him. On a side note, I find it very interesting that Gim is being absolutely torn apart by everyone. Now, I am the one that he is apparently defending in some way or another. And I don't find it flattering after reading some of the things he has said about Katie. I will say it again. I don't need people going out on personal crusades against people on my behalf, especially when I don't even have a grudge against that person. What ends up happening is that it looks like I encouraged the behavior, and then I'm really between a rock and a hard place. So unless you honestly think everything you say, don't say it. I thought it was bad enough that I said things on my site that I meant, but maybe not very strongly. I don't care for people who say things that they don't mean at all.

April 27, 2000

Hey, well, this is turning into a real interesting task. When Hans told me three weeks ago, 'Well, looks like you will be the only one going to prom, I jst kinda laughed' Now I'm laughing at that sentence even harder. So anyway, everyone buys tickets to go on the oddessy, and seeing as I was without a date, I didn't buy any tickets. I also didn't find out until like a day or two before that that all my friends had randomly pulled dates out of their butts. Why does this shit always have to happen to me. So I was talking to Katie, and her sister Kim really wants to go to prom and needs a date. So I figured hey, her dress doesn't go to waste, We both get to have a fun night,a dn hang out with friends. Everybody wins... ...ahem... ...small problem. No tickets. There is very little chance that I will be able to get tickets to go on the oddessy, as the only tickets available now are on the spirit of chicago. Which would be a completely different boat. Now, I don't really mind so much because most of the dinner and dancing will be before the boats, and we will all go to great america the next day. and- oh fuck, I'm bleeding. wtf!?! I just leaned on my chair and my elbow slipped a little off the arm rest and it broke a scab, damn it. Friggin ah! Okay I wil finish this quickly cause I am bleeding quite a bit. I am not going to be picky about condidtions of going to prom, but I don't know if Kim really wants to spend two hours on a boat with just me. The other option (hans's idea not mine) is that if all else fails we could just all go on the spirit. I admit that would be really going out of the way for me, and I totally don't expect anyone to have to do that. But anyway, I am going to U of I this weekend to take placement tests. Which will be okay I guess, I like driving on I-57, it's a lot of fun. Speaking of fun driving, I need to come up with a power cord for my radar detector sometime between now and tomorrow so that I can speed without fear of being pulled over by one of those damn camero cops. Oh, well, I need some gause or something so I'll type again on sunday.

April 30, 2000

Ah, back at home from the long trip to U of I. That was a fun weekend, I'll tell you that right now. I am going to invest, very shortly, in a valentine 1 radar detector for my car. I want to install it in such a way that it wouldn't have any conspicuous cords around, so that I would be able to leave it there if I wanted to. When I have to get rid of my car, I will put it in my sister's car along with my stereo in hopes that occasionally then I will be able to use the car every once in a while to go visit friends at Purdue. Besides, what fun is driving if you can't do it quickly? I know now that I am going to have a lot of fun living at I.T. next year. It is not too far from the engineering campus, it is right on top of the quad, and it is surrounded by frat houses, fun fun fun. I made it back from U of I this morning in about 2 hours and 10 minutes, which ain't bad I suppose. The placement tests were all pretty easy. I, ironically, had an interesting time trying to pull trig knowledge out of the 3-year storage in my brain, that was real fun. But the English, Spanish, and Chem tests were just plain jokes. After I came back I met up with Joel and Marci and we hung out at Marci's for a while, Hans stopped by but then quickly realized that he had to take his brother somewhere. I would seriously hate to have to drive siblings around. I don't mind giving friends rides to places, but little siblings would suck. Oh well, what are you going to do if you are the oldest in the family, I'll tell you what, you are going to do as little as possible but still manage to keept he use of the car by not coming accross as though you are not using it to help out your siblings when your parents want you to, that's what you are going to do. So I am going to be having quite a bit of fun with the 'not a journal' page, I enjoy looking at the news of the world every now and then, I think you should too, but only use my page as your source of news because it is the only site that gives you the one correct opinion about the news, along with the headlines :) I think I have some homework to do now, so I best go find out and if I see any homework I am not going to neccisarily do it, I just have to figure out some creative time that I can do it during school next week. laterz.

54511493 | 1.0 | 9ms

| |