chaz720.net - journal

April 20, 2000

'You got your ball, you got your chain, tied to me tight, tie me up again. Who's got their claws in your my friend, into your heart, I'll beat again. Sweet like candy to my soul, sweet you rock and sweet you roll. Lost for you I'm so lost for you. You come crash into me, and I come into you, In a boy's dream. In a boy's dream. Touvh your lips just so I know. Oh in your eyes, love, it glows so I'm bare-boned and crazy, for you. When you come crash, into me, and I come into you. In a boy's dream, in a boy's dream. If I've gone overboard than I'm beggin' you to forgive me oh in my haste, when I'm holding you so, girl, close to me.'

Well, I feel like an idiot, this morning I woke up early (5:30) so that I could prepare my testamony in our simulation of a senate hearing in government. I am playing the role of someone who is against an amendment to protect the flag from desecration. Which is perfect for me because, although you wouldn't catch me burning a flag, I don't feel that the government has any right to prevent anyone from doing so if it is their flag, and they are protesting or making a point. I am so unbelieveably happy that the weekend is here and I will finally be able to get some sleep cause it seems as though I have gotten nearly none all week. Tomorrow Katie's sister is going to have surgery. this is has been very hard on both Katie and Kim, and tonight Joel, Katie and I all had a huge discussion about what we we do in varios sitations involving severe medical conditions. I think we all share very different opinions of how to handle it, and they really reflect the personality of us all. If I, for instance, was told that I had brain cancer or something and that had about 6 months to live, I don't think I would tell anyone. I would try to act myself. I am happy with myself. I am pretty happy with how my life is going. An I feel that I am in most people's good opinion. I don't put a lot of effort into being who I am. How you see me is most always in my natural state. The only problem I would have with telling people is that I absolutely deplore pity. I feel patronized by it. I don't really aprecieate it. I love drawing attention to myself through making other people happy, no making them sad, that's just not any fun for me or them. So having people be depressed for me is not what I would want if I was going to die. I have this image of me telling people that I had six months to live, and then going on with my life as normally as I can. They would make their best efforts to act as normally as possible, but then I would just know that after I left the room they would make comments about how sorry they were for me, and how I was handling it so well, and how that just made them felt. And that is the image that makes me sick. I wouldn't want people sitting around talking about how sorry they feel for me. That's just fucking depressing. Today I got my new FOID (firearm ownership ID) card in the mail so I can now legally transport firearms in my car and on my person, provided they are not concealed. But that is completely random. After our talk we listened to the rain/built a fire and sat around for a few hours until we basically fell asleep watching Scooby Doo. Oh, and what the hellis up with Mobil stations being closed at like 2:30 in the morning around here, what? just 'cause it's late means that people can't be low on gas? oh well, I'll just have to fill it up tomorrow morning, I'll see you all later.

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