chaz720.net - journal

June 06, 2000

wow, gee, I don't even know where to begin, I see so much truth in Joel's last two entries I don't even konw what to say. I guess I could stand to reenforce if not tear down my philosophy on the way life has been going. Oh, right, ryan still = broken, I almost forgot, I seem to have lost all hope of becoming well at any point during the course of the summer. I did, however, bite my lip, take some dayquil, do some reading, do some writing, and some typing, handed in the assignments and took the test today for Mr. Wyman's senior English class. I am officially no longer a student at William Fremd High School. Damn this feels good for this to be complete. Oh right, youi dont' want to hear about that, you want to hear about the whole changing of my life view. I don't agree or disagree with anything Joel says on his site. I think what he has to say is valid. He is speaking from what he believes. It matters not what is true, or what is untrue. What is right, and what is wrong. Nor does it matter what should or what shouldn't. I expect a few people I know to be offended by what Joel has to say. That is them, that is their personalities, there is no changing that. They are not right, they are not wrong, they should be upset, they shouldn't be upset. I can see that Joel is quite upset with how things are. He wants to change, he wants things to be different. I respect that. That's something he can be sure about. He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he doesn't have it. Katie doesn't know what she wants, I know she knows it, but her personality would like for us to believe she has it all figured out. That's completely natural, if everyone around me thinks I know what I want, maybe that will help me figure it out. Not a bad plan I suppose, at least it is a plan. I don't know what I want. I guess I am waiting for other people to figure it out first. Maybe that is why I seemed destined never to know what I want. If for some reason you have been fooled into thinking that I have a dream or vision about how I see myself, pfft, you aren't right. But you aren't wrong either. Maybe what I want is seperate from where I plan to go. Is it wrong for me to want everyone around me to be happy as completely impracticle as that sounds. I have nothing really going against me right now. I am smart, funny, well off financially, I have every reason to be the object of misdirected aggression from everyone I know. But I would really like to divert my attention to recognizing other people's problems and doing what I can to help, whatever that may be. It is one of the things I enjoy most. I really hate to be miserable. C'mon people, it sucks. Pity sucks, it really does, pity is empty, and being miserable all the time will only get you pity. But pity is like a drug. Pity is attention for those that don't feel they have another way. Much like happeness or a calm state of mind can be achieved by smoking pot, pity will get people to see you, to "feel your pain" to want to help you when nothing else will get them to. but people who are being pitiful aren't really helping you, they are getting you your next fix, your next hit. If you were not miserable, would people say, "hmm, nothing wrong with them, moving right along?" or would people stop and notice you anyway? People have a fear of being themselves. "Just be yourself" everyone says. People can't be themselves, because no one knows what they are. "gee ryan, what makes you so special that you know who you are?" Did I ever say I was not "people" sometimes. just because I am god doesn't mean I am immune to the rules :). Well, "people" need to realize their limitations, if everyone could just stop and say, "what the hell am I doing?" like I did about a year and half ago. And hopefully their collective answer will be, "I don't know". Most of us reading this are young. We will beat the shit out of ourselves later in life trying to figure out why we did to ourselves what we are doing now. I applaud Joel for his last too entries. Not because they are true, not beacuse they are false, not because of "should"s or "shouldn't"s or because of "right"s or "wrong"s, but because he said something. He stopped looking for pity and started looking for something better, actual attention, none of that pity that is one of the worst controlled substances out there. But I'll bet you all knew all this already. Don't lie, you know you did, I know you did. Sure, I figured out most of it while I was typing, but that shouldn't matter. I don't need a proverbial apple to hit me in the head. The question is, what do you all need to hit you in the heads?

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