chaz720.net - journal

July 14, 2000

Right now I am writing a journal entry because I feel like I have to. I just haven't done it in a while so I feel obligated now. I have kinda felt like crap the last few days, headaches, general tiredness, nothing really specific, just the general crap feeling. I can't remember everthing that has happened since the last entry cause I was kinda out of it, but I'll do my best. Yesterday I was going to go see a movie with Hans, Joel, and Katie after Joel and I gave her a hand moving a couple things. Hans mesteriously dissapeared, and Katie didn't feel well, so it was just Joel and I, which is starting to be not a bit uncommon it seems, and we rented falling down and watched that at Joel's, we saw Hans again briefly and invited him but he didn't want to see it. After the movie was over Joel and I saw a really funny show on MTV called F* ups. which is essentially "America's funniest Videos of Famus People That Are On MTV a lot" but it was kinda funny none the less. A couple days ago as a joke I wrote a bunch of improvements into Hans's website without asking him, basically just fixed a couple of things that weren't right and added some css to it. Today was a wash of shit that wasn't cool. I cleaned out my turtle tank, that needed doing and I just got it out of they way. And then comes the fun part, the movie. We saw X-men, good movie, but moving along- Sean, Jason, Rosie, Joe, Hans, Milzy, and I met at Milzy's house to see the movie. Jay was to pick up Katie, and Sean and Joe were to pick up Toby. gasp! what about Joel. From what I originally heard, Joel was seeing it with Marci and Gim, and maybe someone else. Joel calls Milzy's house, apparently they have orcestrated some exuberant plan to ditch Joel for whatever reason. So I just kinda sit there and think about it for a minute, and then Jay leaves and I say this, "What, do you all hate Joel so much that you are willing to do something as petty as ditch him?" the first response, as I recall, was that I shold have asked that when Jay was there. To which I replied, "I don't think Jay would handle that question maturely" and he wouldn't. You know what my thought on whomever said that saying that is? It sounded a whole hell of a lot like a, "why don't you say that to the bosses face" kinda statement that makes me wonder just how "nuetral" everyone in the room was, toward both Joel, and me. So I never felt right about ditching Joel tonight (yes I admit I am just as guilty as the rest of you are seeing as I should have done more than jsut speak up) and I apoligize to Joel for not being there for him. As for later that night, after the movie was out Joel left, and Hans and I got into my car. We decided to go back and mack sure everyone had a ride home. So I drive over towards the theater and Hans spots them. I ask if anyone needs a ride home. At first they either ignored me or didn't hear me. So I ask again and Rosie comes over to my window and unzips his pants. So I drove off and gave them all the finger. I admit I thought it was funny. Then Rosie comes online tonight and tries to honestly tell me that he was trying to get into my car and was pissed at me for driving off. Well everyone, I hope you are all happy, is this what you wanted can you al rejoice that you have made Joel lose all hope of having you as "friends" (or whatever the hell that means to all of you) I think Hans said it best, "I'm cool with Joel you know, one on one, but I'm not going to stand up for him in front of the group." What the fuck does that mean!?!? that means you are going to tolerate him. That's what that means. Who the fuck wants to be tolerated?!?! I know I sure as hell don't. Which is why until someone comes up with a good reason for me to think otherwise, fuck everybody. Fuck each and everyone of you "friends" out there who I don't know are doing any more than simply tolerating me. To hell with the damn "friends" page, who the hell wants to read my opinions about them if my opinions that I expressed tonight don't mean jack shit. I love Christine's comment too, "why can't you all just let it go?" I don't know Christine, that's a damn good point, and I just realized there is no fucking awnser. There is no fucking awnser as to why anyone does anything, and I have determined that until I get into a group of people that can fucking understand this, I just assume not be in one. One of the only people that for all practical puposes has done nothing more to me than I have convinced myself she has, is Marci. And god forbid the group let me give her the time of day, while Hans goes over to her house every five fucking minutes. I'm sick of this, and I really, really don't get sick of things easily, so I hope that says something to you people. I am really sorry to see many of my "friendships" end in a fashion like this, but this is becoming the pot and the fucking kettle. So you can all sit and be "nuetral" all the god damn day, but rest assured now this involves fucking everyone. Hell, I went through Freshman and Sophomore year without any friends, mostly just people I hung out with at school. Why the fuck would anyone think a month and a half is going to be difficult. And now I'm fucking swearing, and it fucking pisses me off.

"Your opinion is the only one that seems to matter anymore to me Ryan, and I hate to have it be bad" -Marci

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