chaz720.net - journal

October 13, 2000

Once upon a time, Once when you were mine, I remember skies Reflected in your eyes. I wonder where you are, I wonder if you Think about me Once upon a time, In your wildest dreams. Once the world was new, Our bodies felt the morning dew That greets the brand new day. We couldn't tear ourselves away. I wonder if you care. I wonder if you still remember. Once upon a time, In your wildest dreams And when the music plays, And when the words are Touched with sorrow, When the music plays I hear the sound. I had to follow, Once upon a time. Once beneath the stars The universe was ours.Love was all we knew And all I knew was you. I wonder if you know, I wonder if you think about it Once upon a time, In your wildest dreams And when the music plays, And when the words are Touched with sorrow, When the music plays, And when the music plays I hear the sound. I had to follow, Once upon a time Once upon a time, Once when you were mine, I remember skies Mirrored in your eyes. I wonder where you are, I wonder if you Think about me, Once upon a time. In your wildest dreams. In your wildest dreams. In your wildest dreams.

The other day I took a look at my site and started to notice something that I am not sure that I liked. I see many entries with news posts, occurances in my life, and yet i did not record my thoughts that I had at the time. While it is nice to have a journal that allows you to take a trip down memory lane when you choose. It does allow for much incite into my mind, nor into the development thereof. And I feel it would be an injustice, not only to myself, but to people who read it, to allow it to continue as such. I will try to make it a point to once again include more thoughts than occurences in this journal in the future. And while anything that sounds forced is very hard to take sincerely, I will avoid the other extreme as well. That being said, I will continue with the irregularly scheduled program.

What is it about other people that makes us have a need to grow so attached? Why do we have a need to love someone else? How is it we choose who we love? What kind of characteristics about a person do we fall in love with? And what kind of characteristics about a person will chew into our very being and leave us changed forever? I believe that all characteristics of a person are potential points that can make a person fall in love with them. I think there is an enormous list of qualities that everyone wants to have in their potential mate. The only variable is the order of importance people place on these qualities. You mental projection of other people depends heavily on your own mental projection of yourself. As Rei said, "It is impossible to love someone else, if you hate yourself." People get into relationships to feel more complete. To put meaning to things. To have a purpose. This purpose is not always the best thing for them, but it can't be explained that easily. Always keeping in mind that complete and content and two different things, can we be complete on our own? Does anyone truely posses the self-respect, personal incite, and sense-of-self that it would take to be a descrete being? So, if we were to assume that the answer is no in most cases, can we try to figure out a method that people use to pick their mates. I don't think I posses the incite to put a universal theorem of relationshop into words, instead I will attempt to look at a few situations. The first I will look at happens to be the one I am observing most at the moment; behavior as a person enters college. I see two basic patterns of people that go to college. They will reinforce bonds with people that they have already established (e.g. become even closer to their partner), or if they do not have a partner, they will tend to feel rushed towards getting one. For some reason there is a fear present that they must find someone to be with or they will not be able to. I think up until lately, I have been in the first category. Logically I knew that there was no reason to feel rushed about attatching with someone, and logically I knew rushing was one of the worst things to do given my personality. But there was an unnamed voice in my head that said, "get out there before it's too late". And as may be rather apparent, I have not heeded this voice. Hans came back today from the party he went to tonight, and he looked as though he was defeated or soemthing. I think we all try to make a too much of a task out of finding someone. I am personally quite comfortable now that I might not fall in love for a while. I can not enumerate what I am looking for in a person, but I do know that I am familiar enough with myself that I will not simply fulfil the need for someone with out fulfiling the individual needs as well. So what does feeling rushed coming to college do to people? Well, to be blunt, it sells condoms. I know of a few people off hand that I don't think are really happy about their first weekend at college. Do they regret it? Some do. Will they learn from it? Hopefully, as I always like to say to say, time will tell.

I put quite a bit of work into the intro movie for the kellhounds site today. I am very happy with how it is coming along, and I know that in worst case scenario, Joel will like it. I have to admit that much of the ideas are mirrored in some way or another from the music video of Rammstein - Engel that was made using clips from the nge series. I am even using the same song.

Joel pointed me to the website for the latest in adventure gaming. It is called realMYST and it longs to approach exactly that, reality. Think myst, now think every other fps you have ever played, and now join them. That's right, near photographic quality images, all generated using a 3d-engine in realtime. I will simply sum it up in one word, breathtaking ( I think that is one word I could be wrong). Just be sure you are running at least a quad-alpha workstation or your framerates will go down the tubes as soon as that first wave starts to roll.

I am looking into ways in which to slowly bring some subtle color back into this site (as I review this it will look quite different than you are viewing it now as even now I am using a different stylesheet than that which is on the internet) and this will mean some pretty basic changes will need to take place and I will have to do some things differently. I do not wish to make a partial change in this respect, so if I am to make any modifications, I'm sure I won't have to point them out.

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