chaz720.net - journal

November 01, 2000

I know, I know I've let you down. I've been a fool to myself. I thought that I could live for no one else. But now, through all the hurt and pain, it's time for me to respect, the ones you love mean more than anything. So, with sadness in my heart, feel the best thing I could do, is end it all and leave forever. What's done is done, it feels so bad. What once was happy now is sad. I'll never love again, my world is ending. I wish, that I could turn back time. 'Cause now the guilt is all mine; can't live without the trust from those you love. I know we can't forget the past. You can't forget love and pride, because of that it's killing me inside. It all returns to nothing... It all comes tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down. It all returns to nothing... I just keep letting me down, letting me down, letting me down. In my heart of hearts, I know that I could never love again. I've lost everything, everything. Everything that matters to me, matters in this world.

This song has a very negative theme to it, failure and lack of worth in one's own eye. But the melody in the background and the absolute beauty in the singers voice just give it this optimistic feeling that feels really strange with the subject matter, maybe that's why I like it. It gives you a sort of, "I'm really depressed but things are going to be okay" feeling or something. This is easily my favorite song from Eva.

I set up the credits page so it is a bit more useful now, it lists all the songs in the journal and lets you jump to that entry directly, I might do the same thing for poems, letters, etc, who knows. Make it easier/more fun for the viewers of this site. Oh, and I will take this opportunity to pat myself on the back at random. Over the last month my site averaged 150 hits/day, with about 1600 unique viewers. So that's kinda intersting. A vast improvment over what this page started as, simply a picture of a moon, some links to my friends sites which were all equally worthless and lacking in content, a list of some of murphy's laws, and finally a giant flashing e-mail me button. I would like to think that I have picked up quite a bit of talent in my field, (what that field is at the moment I do not know) but it seems to be working. I have tried all kinds of things on this site, and you can read about almost everything I've done in the past 11 months (I do on a rare occasion leave some things out of this, but that's my business, not your's :P) and if you wants to, you can get your laugh on over in the other sections of this site. Although I have to be very honest with you, many of you have probably been to those sections of my site more recently than I have, and I'll be damned if I can remember what is in the "chain letters" section anymore.

If you are blind than I should tell you that the opening page has changed, my motives, well, a couple things. One, I as tired of having sound of any type on my site, and that was getting old anyway, two, those lights ran like shit on anything but a beast of a computer, and three, I really like that picture of Rei and Asuka. I have a calc quiz tomorrow and a lab in ece110, so I am prolly going to get ready for those later tonight, So I am actually writing this now at like 6:00pm which is the first time in a long time that I have done that. I usually write these closer to 6am :)

oh and with the introduction of a new month, we once again have a neato binary date of 110100 today, enjoy it while it lasts

November 05, 2000

Zankoku na tenshi no youni. Shounen yo shinwa ni nare. Aoi kaze ga ima. Mune no door wo tataitemo. Watashidake wo Tada Mitsumete. Hohoenderu Anata. Sotto fureru mono. Motomeru koto ni muchu de. Unmei sae mada shinanai. Itaikena hitomi. Dakedo itsuka kizuku deshou. Sono senaka niwa. Haruka mirai mezasu tameno. Hanega arukoto. Zankoku na tenshi no thesis. Madobe kara yagate tobitatsu. Hotobashiru atsui Pathos de. Omoide wo uragiru nara. Kono sora wo daite kagayaku. shonen yo shinwa ni nare. Zutto nemutteiru. Watashi no ai no yurikago. Anata dake ga yume no shisha ni. Yobareru asa ga kuru. Aoi kubisuji wo. Tsukiakari ga utsushiteiru. Sekaijuu no toki wo tomete. Tojikometaikeredo. Moshimo, futari aeta kotoni, Imiga arunara. Watashi wa sou. Jiyuu ni shiru tameno baiburu. Zankoku na tenshi no theses. Kanashimi ga sosite hajimaru. Dakishimeta inochi no katachi. Sono yume ni mezameta toki. Dareyorimo hikariwo hanatsu. Shounen yo shinwa ni nare. Hito wa ai wo tsumugi nagara. Rekishi wo tsukuru. Megami nante inai mama. watashi wa ikiru. Zankoku na tenshi no thesis. Madobe kara yagate tobitatsu. Hotobashiru atsui pathos de. Omoide wo uragiru nara. Kono sora wo daite kagayaku. Shounen yo shinwa ni nare.

There is somthing about japanese that I really like. English doesn't have words like "fureru" I wish it did that would be so cool. I like the short u sound that comes up a lot in japanese it makes the language, for lack of a better word, smooth. Now I don't think I am going go out and take classes on it or anything, but I might pick up a japanese book and see what is up with it, who knows, maybe it'll be interesting.

My parents came down here to visit for the weekend which was fun, we got to go out to dinner a couple of times which was really a change for me. I have been eating around here all the time, I almost forgot what a menu was, if it wasn't posted on a wall above and behind a counter :). The atmosphere is really nice in the restaurants we went to as well, eating in a quiet place where you can carry ona conversation without talking over the whole crowd. I guess maybe if I has a more viable form of transportation, I would do it more often.

I got my head shaved yet again, so now my hair is really really short (the way it should be) if you want here's a picture of what I look like now. Please pay no attention to the oaf behind me who is giving the camera the finger, that is just hans. Oh and a random other stupid piece of news, theis site has moved to a new server, one that doesn't have any limits on me, and also does not completely suck. A bunch of benefits come of this, one of the ones you will see, is that now you can type http://www.chaz720.net/journal.html to get to the journal and what not, this way I can store files on my site, and link to them directly alot easier. This setup will be perfected in the next couple of days, but for now it mostly works. I also intend to begin on a couple of photo gallaries for the site, work on that will start, well, whenever I get around to it.

Tomorrow I will be leaving after my classes to go home so that I can vote. Yes it seems as though our friends over at cook county want to make this as difficult for me to vote as possible. First they don't send me my absentie ballot, so I tell them to send a registration card to my house, and they don't do that, now I can't seem to get one picked up for me, so now I have to drive my ass up to chicago to go vote. Yay! My sister has to do the same thing too. So at least I can hitch a ride with her and not take a bus or something. So I'm not sure if this will mean missing some class on tuesday or what, we will see. I might miss some, I don't have anything of much consiquence on tuesday this week anyway, I have two classes and both of which I took a test or a quiz in last time, so we will just get them back and waste time going over them. I guess that's something I can miss to go cast my vote. Which is a whole other ball of wax, I can give you a dozen reasons why each candidate should and should never be president, so I guess in the end it doesn't matter. Gore or Bush is going to win any way you cut it. And as Joel said, "hmm, which white male in black suit, white shirt, and red tie should I vote for?"

November 06, 2000

Not a whole lot going on today other than coming home to do my voting. I think I now realized why quite a few people vote for the president. They do it so that they can pass the buck. When someone votes for a candidate they actually want that candidate to lose. If this happens then they can just wait for something to go wrong and shout out about how all the idiots who voted for the idiot in the government ruined the nation while the they person they voted for would have never let any of this happen. This is known as "bitching-rights". voting gives people "bitching-rights", if you don't vote, you prolly won't/shouldn't bitch cause if you don't care now, why care later. But actually having your candidate win may not be as good to some people as having their condidate lose and the other candidate giving them something to bitch about. I think people like bitching, it makes them feel important.

I fixed my RA's internet connection today, thus totalling 7 computers I have fixed since I have been to school. Aren't I just so special? I was right about what was wrong with it, besides the floppy drive having some dumb settings that was preventing it from working, the cable she was trying to use to connect to the lan was kinda weird, an RJ-11 at one end and an RJ-45 at the other, never seen that before. Oh well not her fault by any means.

I added the rest of the lyrics to cruel angel thesis, beyond the ones that are just found in the TV version of the song. It is really a beautiful song if you listen to the lyrics, and I would like to take this moment to officially add the word "fureru" to the english language, it means "something" okay, everyone write that down and committ it to memory.

Today was one of the crappiest... check that, the crappiest day that I have seen since I have been to college. It was freezing cold outside, there was a heavy driving rain, and winds of around 30-45 mph. So you have really cold water hitting you in the face at high speeds, what wonderful conditions for me to have to walk across campus twice in, because my advisor's office is in the middle of bumble-fuck, IL. There, see, I am bitching and I feel more important, I rest my case. My case that I am more important than all of you :).

November 07, 2000

As I write this the presidency is in such a toss up right now, it is making my head spin. It's so unbelieveably crazy right now. After Florida was called for Gore, it was moved to "too close to call" then to bush, and now back to "too close to call". It appears as though the two candidates are with in a handful of votes, and the new york post has already run the press with the headline that bush has been elected, this does not appear as though it is going to be resolved any time in the near future, but you never know. Once again I would like to reconfirm my theory that people vote for a president in the hopes that their candidate will lose, and then they feel they can bitch about everything that goes wrong in the nation and state that had their candidate one "none of this would have happened". Why would people want to simply bitch about something for the sake of bitching you may ask? Well the answer is simple, pain = joy. Joel and I agreed on this a long time ago. People feel they are defined mostly through their hardships that they endure. And therefore, something that goes wrong and bitching about it makes people feel more important. Bitching makes people feel important. So people may actually get more satisfaction out of something going wrong so they can bitch about it, than if they had things go their way.

Another discussion that came up in one of the irc rooms I was in, was concerning the proper stance for firing a hand gun. I don't feel that I can describe it very well, so I grabbed my nintendo light gun, and took the following photos: How to hold a gun. and How not to hold a gun.. The latter picture is more of a joke than anything else, but the first picture is a stance used by the military, and most SWAT teams. It minimizes the effect of recoil on aim, and allows the second shot to hit where the first one did. Ask yourself this question, which would make you more scared, someone who walked into the room holding the gun "gangsta" style, or someone who came in the room holding the gun with the proper stance. For me it would definately be the latter cause that would be the person more likely to actually shoot and hit me.

So I made my trip back home to do my voting, and my teachers were cool with it. But when I come back home, the entire sink, the counter around the sink, and the island are completely covered with dirty dishes. When I left the sink had some dishes in it and that was it. Overall I estimate that there was about 10% my dishes there. So I'm sitting at my computer and the other three are in the living room. They come and tell me that I have been picked to clean the dishes. Apparently they drew names out of a hat or something. Nothing I was informed of until after I was selected. But being the nice guy that I am, I cleaned the dishes for the apartment. What I failed to mention to them until after I had put all the dishes away, was that I have developed a pretty bad cold, and by using the dishes they are most likely going to all get sick. I guess that's the price they pay :) Oh well, I am going to go either play duck hunt with the nintendo light gun you see me there with, or go to bed, I haven't quite decided yet. My sinus headache may not allow me to do either all that well.

November 08, 2000

~~GORE~~ ~~NADER~~ ~~BUSH~~ ~~GORE~~ SIMPSON WINS PRESIDENCY

Yes the whole fiasco that was the ballot counting down in florida has led to a number of conclusions, but it looks right now as though things are in favor of me. It appears as though there was a major misprint on the ballots which positioned my name between gore and bush and people mistakenly voted for them instead of me, so I got 98% of the popular vote, everyone welcome me to office

But in all seriousness, I have to feel sorry for whomever does end up being president, as said person will be president over a country where 1/5th of the population voted for him. That means that as far as public support goes, they are going to have quite the uphill battle. Do I think that either candidate is going to change all that much? not really, I get the feeling that we are going to get so tied up over these 1000 votes and then we are going to be in the same boring rut we've been in for the last 8 years.

In other news cs version 1.0 is out and there is much frantics involved with the release as it is hard to find a copy of it to download at a reasonable speed. Not that it matters, tomorrow afternoon I will most likely be able to download it at 500k/sec. either way, I'll have it.

Once again I had more to talk about but am far to tired to do so, so now I am just going to sleep, g'night.

November 12, 2000

I hate to ruin everyone's fun, but I am in fact, not dead as was the activity of my site for the past three days. I have been very sick (is this a variable anymore?) lately and have been trying to keep up with everything and fight that at the same time which is quite the uphill battle, and the last five days or so have gone by unbelieveably fast. I will sum up some of the events of the weekend. As it was sibling's weekend here, we had Hans's brother here and so we hung out with him and had a decent time. In addition, Fei had 3 people stay here, for a couple days, and last night a friend of Hans's brought her three siblings, so last night we had a dozen people living in our apartment which makes it a blast to take a shower in the morning :). I bunch of us went bowling last night which is the first time since the bowling party in January for compUSA so needless to say I completely suck, the first frame I got a big confidence-building 0. Then in the second frame I got a strike... I mean, wtf? seriously. that game must be retarded or something.

I signed up for my classes on friday, this was actually really intersting and I think I should start from the begining here. So I sign up for an advisor session cause that is just something us lowly freshmen have to do at this school. This involved walking the four blocks it is to my advisors office out at microlab which is in the middle of nowhere (read: the far end of the engineering quad). So I get to my appointment and the guy takes half my appointment time "finishing up" with the person before me. And when I sit down I start telling him what classes I want to take, and he tells me to take classes that I later realized I can't take, and a few classes that I he told me to skip I have to take. He didn't seem to understand what the word "prerequisite" means. Nor did he know what classes I should take in order to, um, oh yeah, graduate. So I bascially ignored him and followed the ece cirriculum guide. So I am taking History, Diff Eq, Physics, and ECE 290 (I think this is analog circuits or something along those lines) I don't get up before 9:30 and it's only 13 hours, so this next semester should be pretty cool.

Well, in a vain attempt to quell my illness, earlier today I took two aleve, two sudifed, and washed it down with a dose of robitussen. And you know what, nothing. It did absolutley nothing none of my symptoms changed whatsoever, and I don't feel drowsey or anything. Although I am currently listening to Cruel Angel Thesis on a continuous loop and have been for a while now. So that may say something as to my mental condition right now. Or, we must not forget the possiblility that I should just kill myself.

On a "flashier" note, I have decided I am going to take a break from the little csn cartoons until I finish my next counter-crap, I made this and then decided that while little shorts are nice, I like the reall spontinaity of counter-craps, I usually get ideas for them right after playing a game of cs and I will be all finatic about this "really cool idea" that I have, but as of late most of my cartoons are more just like requests from rizzuh, I don't feel like I am being all that creative. Oh well, I will keep doing them cause they are fun to make once in a while, but for now I want to get this one ccrap made. I have opened the file serveral times, stared at the screen, and then closed it again, because I'm not sure I even know where I am going with it. Oh well, that's the most fun, I start the cartoon not knowing how it's going to end, jsut random scenes I want it to include, this is why I woudl suck as a director, my movies would make no sense, or, they would be like Stanley Kubric movies, but I guess that's the same thing anyway, I'm not sure, either way, I'm sticking to flash cartoons for now :). And right now, my palms are sticking to my wrist-rest, so I am going to go to sleep now.

November 14, 2000

Attending concerts of your favorite band (or whatever band that drunk guy on the street sold you tickets to) can be a great time. But you must pay attention to certain responsibilities that come along with that ticket. Failure to do so will make you socially less acceptable and your family will leave you, whereas following this advice will simply get you thrown out of the concert. A fair price to pay.

Before the concert

Be sure to wear a t-shirt of the band you are going to see. Also if you have time, get your hair cut just like the lead singers, plastic surgury is also recommended so you can get the look just right, and if you do, maybe people at the concert will mistake you for a band member and want your autograph.
Be sure to get completely wasted. This allows for a lot more fun at the concert. It prevents you from noticing annoy things like: "your ears bleeding","the smell of 4000 people in about 3 square feet", or "that guy who keeps following you around and accidentally grabbing your ass"
Speaking of smell, under no cirumstances should you take a shower or wear deoderant when going to a concert. No one cares if you are jumping up and down waving your arms in the air and emmiting a potant stank that could sedate a wild boar. It's all part of the social atmosphere
If you don't have tickets, don't worry, there will always be people willing to sell you tickets at the front gate. These people have some great deals on seats. In fact., it is recommended that you not even worry about the concert until the day of, the box office is merely for the weak

At the concert

It is vitally important that you get your hands on something to throw at the stage early on. Even if you really like the band, you must hit the lead singer with something, thus proving you are cool enough to have hit with a glow stick or some other object.
Your next main objective should be to get to the absolute front of the floor, right next to the bouncers in front of the stage. Because this is where all the truely greatest fans are. They are not willing to let silly things like "their lives" get in between them and their favortie singer. Besides, if you get close enough, the band might let you up on stage and finish out the concert. This is what they do for their greatest fans.
CROWD SURF! I can't stress this enough, if there is anything people love at concerts it's being kicked in the face buy some guy's flailing leg. it really adds character to a night, and that person will thank you for it. And if for some reason while crowd surfing you start to head toward the front of the stage toward a bouncer who wants to throw you out of the concert, simply dive head-first at the ground, this cleaver menuver will keep those pesky gaurds from ruining your fun
Remember: anything the band throws into the crowd is of more value to you than your first born child. be it a t-shirt, an empty bottle of water, or a sweat-rag the lead singer used to wipe his ass with. Therefore you must push women and children out of your way to obtain it. If someone else catches said object, don't let this discourage you, you can land three or four punches on them easily before they figure out who you are.
Dancing is optional. There is no reason that anyone needs to dance when going to a concert and it is prefered to just stand around and keep a beat by nodding you head. However, if anyone in the crowd begins jumping you MUST JUMP. people who do not jump are ejected immediately from the building with no refund.

After the concert

You must buy a shirt from the concert. Regardless of whether you just saw Maralyn Manson, or Jars of Clay you must get a concert shirt with a giant skull on it. Because if you have a giant skull on your shirt, people will know that you have been to a concert, and they will not want to mess with you.
Once you are out of the concert is important to walk like the lead singer. This can be easily accomplished by taking overly exaggerated steps and waving your hands around. Once again, jumping every now and then is manditory.
Be sure to converse with you friends (or other random people) about how awesome the concert was, and how much the band rocked. Especially that one part where he jumped out and caused the stage to catch on fire. Then he just rolled around on the stage on fire for like 10 minutes and the paramedics carted him away... ...yeah, that rocked!!!

So hopefully now you will have all the knowledge and talent required to properly attend that concert you have been wanting to go. And you will be one step closer to being deaf and breaking your legs. Now that's an awesome time

November 16, 2000

You know what? forget it, I'm sick of this shit. I've put up with it long enough, and I'm not going to anymore, I'm not playing counter-strike anymore, I've had it. I am not quitting the kellhounds as I will still help out with server admining, handling the website, and such, I still like the team a lot, but I am just forbidden from actually playing cs. From this location (with or without my router) I get no less than 50% packet loss to any server, regardless of my ping which often ranges anywhere from 80ms to 800ms.I have on occasion complained about it, for a while I just shut up, and recently I have been calmly stating my situation. But you know what, fuck my situation. Until further notice I don't wish to be scheduled to play in any kh clan matches, consider me an active captain but a reserve player. Sorry guys, I liked tearing shit up with you, but it wasn't meant to be. I know all of you are going to e-mail to me bitching about how I seem to play relatively well even with my connection, well, I play this game for fun, and guess what, this is not fun for me anymore. I can't play my best because of circumstances outside my control, and things like that bug the shit out of me. If it only happens to me once that I die purely because of client side lag, it bugs me. It happens all the time, and it pisses me off.

The new KH server arrived at Ohio State today c/o yours truely, and I have rosie set up with everything he needs to admin it as some interesting osu restrictions seem to prevent me from controlling it directly. And the server seems to work pretty well for everyone, in a 10 vs 10 game the average ping in the room was 110ms. (including my ping of around 450ms) so I'm glad I was able to provide the cs community with another grounds to play, however I won't be joining them on it. Tomorrow I go home for a week for Thanksgiving, I get to see all the wonderful friends that I left behind when I went to college, this will be fun.

November 18, 2000

"show me how you do that trick, the one that makes me scream" she said "the one that makes me laugh" she said and threw her arms around my neck "show me how you do it and i promise you i promise that i'll run away with you, i'll run away with you" spinning on that dizzy edge i kissed her face and kissed her head and dreamed of all the different ways i had to make her glow "why are you so far away?" she said "why won't you ever know that i'm in love with you? that i'm in love with you?" you, soft and only. you, lost and lonely. you, strange as angels, dancing in the deepest oceans, twisting in the water, you're just like a dream... daylight licked me into shape. i must have been asleep for days. and moving lips to breathe her name, i opened up my eyes and found myself alone. alone. alone above a raging sea that stole the only girl i loved, and drowned her deep inside of me. you, soft and only. you, lost and lonely. you, just like heaven.

I'm back in town again and I am looking foreward to seeing the whole crew once again as I will over the course of the next week. Welcome home guys. It's funny, I actually used the word "home" to discribe school the other day and it was kinda strange. Am I that adept to change that I can call someplace home after living there for a mere couple of months. What exactly qualifies as "home". Well, I think that greatly depends on who you are. Maybe home to me is merely where I live, perhaps I don't look as far into it as some do. To some people home refers to what you right down as your perminent address, it's where you grew up, where you made your first friends, where you made your first enemies. It's where the rest of your family lives, it's where you go when your dorm locks it's doors, it's where you will always have a bed. It's where your relatives go for thanksgiving to eat dinner. It's where you can catch up with all your old friends from the past, it's where you can avoid your old enemies. It's where you look around and everything you see has a story. It's when you look around and everyone you see you have seen before. Usually the people you see are differnt, but you hold them in the same minds eye. Home is where nothing changes from where you leave it in your mind. Events go on, but your lack of presence removes those from the equation. Memories of how things were seem to be all that matters, so anything you thought returns with you when you return home. So when news of a change hits you, it can be hard. Coming home makes you feel different. Coming home makes you feel old. Coming home makes your friends all that much better. So is it that I only think of home as a place of residence? Is it merely a place where I have my mail delivered? Well, it's hard to say... but the light was on... nothing has changed... I feel a bit older... I believe I've come home.

November 19, 2000

phydeaux36: i say
phydeaux36: that home is wherever the clowns LEAVE YOU ALONE GOD DAMMIT

Well, leave it to Joel to go and respond to the last entry as such, :P.

Today was interesting, it was the first day in about two weeks that I have been able to sleep in (without some various consiquences) I think I need to do that more often, the last few weeks have been just so damn hectic, I feel like I have been doing nothing I enjoy lately. I feel like everything I do is so boring, meaneal, and meaningless. I make cartoons about a game, I write entries in a journal, or I talk to people that I have been friends with for a long time. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of pregression. I'd like to know that I would end a semester having more fun then I did at the begining, but I guess maybe this is not my semester.

Well, I think maybe I should clarify. There are times in life, where it seems like you live to get through the week, and then when the weekend comes, you don't really do anything productive or new, just the same thing you did the weekend before. Then the cycle repeats itself. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we like to call a rut. When you feel like you are having fun at the time, but when you look back on it it was just like every other week that you have had in a long time. I think that this kind of thing happens to a lot of people, as I seem to see it all the time at school. People of all types have this weekly cycle of meaniality that just doesn't seem to lead anywhere. I hate to fall into something like this myself.

I would like to take this time to make a little reminder to myself for when I get back to school. I am going to have to take the desk drawer out of my desk and replace it with a shelf that will hold my keyboard so it is in a much more comfortable position. I guess I didn't really notice how annoying my keyboard is at school until I came back here and used this keyboard which is at a nicer desk and is thus positioned at a nice comfortable angle. So, anyway...

This evening I went to a movie with Katie, and afterwords we had a cup of coffee over at IHOP. We got to catch up quite a bit and share stories of both horror and happiness of the college life. She got me a keychain that I thought was funny, and as I wrote the first paragraph of this entry I glanced at it and laughed. It reads, "I'm not cynical - Just experienced" How true it can feel sometimes. And she asked me something that made me think about just how women, and occasionally all people, think. She asked me a seemingly simple question, "Did you miss me?" I want to assure you I miss all my high school friends, and therefore I had a feeling that she already knew the answer to this question, of course I missed her. But, for some reason she wanted me to conirm it. Now, how does this apply to the way women seem to think as a whole? Well, I think women need to have things confirmed to them a lot more then most men do. I think this is why the majority of flower sales is to men these days. Something about little reminders and confirmations that are "needed" I find a bit curious. This couldn't imply that as a whole women are less sure of themselves as men? You can agree with that statement or not if you choose not to, but I believe it to be a fact. I'm not going to get into the whole arguement of society pressuring women into hating themselves because I know we have all heard it before, many times over in fact. I just wonder on how many levels society is the cause, and on how many levels it is simply human nature. Part of the big picture behind the Eva series, was about how people live through the eyes of others. How we cannot truely exsist unless there is someone there to interact with, kinda a tree falling in the woods with noone there to hear it thing, and I wonder if any of this would lead to the insecurities that cause women to ever ask for someone to tell them they love them. Or that would lead the flower industry to be one that will never go out of business; I'd like you to think about that, just as I will before I write anymore and possibly get myself into trouble here.

November 20, 2000

It's converstaions like these that make Marci such an interesting friend:

nic916: when does everyone get home this week?
chaz720: I am home now...
nic916: i know
chaz720: katie is home now...
nic916: i care...
chaz720: joel gets back tuesday
nic916: =)
chaz720: hans is here...
chaz720: the osu guys get back wednesday
chaz720: along with christine I believe
nic916: molly?
chaz720: Iowa...
chaz720: not sure
nic916: hm
nic916: ok
nic916: yay =) home
chaz720: home.
chaz720: a familiar ceileing to lay beneath.
nic916: are there plans for tuesday night?
chaz720: not that i know of
nic916: im not in a rut
nic916: or maybe i am, just in a different way
chaz720: home is when you lay down in the bed you are sleeping in, and you look up at the ceiling, you close your eyes, and you don't feel that ceiling will be different when you wake up.
nic916: i do that here
chaz720: well...
chaz720: is it possible to have more than one home?
nic916: yes
chaz720: then maybe you are home now.
nic916: yeah..i do feel comfortable here. but im looking forward to go to home-home
nic916: where i have a family
nic916: and a waterbed
chaz720: well, waterbeds and family are another type of home
nic916: i dont miss home
nic916: but
nic916: i want to go back
nic916: does that make sense?
chaz720: well, home is a need not a place
chaz720: home is a state, not a location
chaz720: home is comfort, not a roof
nic916: makes sense, and explains why you can have more than one home
chaz720: I think people fulfil their need for home in many ways
nic916: like how
chaz720: well
chaz720: one example is to be with family, and your waterbed
chaz720: another example would be with friends you love, perhaps in their waterbed
nic916: hehe
chaz720: as long as the you have confidence in the celieng you are beneath, you are home
nic916: i didnt have confidence in the ceiling i was beneath last night
chaz720: go on...
nic916: haha it was leaking, and paint was falling
nic916: but i chose to stay there instead of coming to my bed
nic916: i like to sleep with people. in the actually sleeping sesne.
chaz720: I am not refering to a literal ceiling (but I'm guessing you knew that and are giving me a hard time)
chaz720: I understand what you mean
nic916: haha yep
chaz720: I am willing to bet I could fulfil my need for home with a box and ratty blanket on a cold winter night
chaz720: but that is of no matter
nic916: so youre comfortable anywhere?
chaz720: I think so
nic916: i used to feel uncomfortable at "home" in chicago
nic916: for a long time
chaz720: well, I take myself with me wherever I go, and for the most part I am comfortable with that, I rarely become hung up on the ceiling I am under
nic916: i do more now, within the past year or so. but before that...i dont know. i hated being there. sometimes i couldnt sleep in my room, i would have to sleep in the basement, cuz id wake up and realize i was in my bed and hate it
nic916: in the basement it was too dark to see when i woke up
chaz720: was it how your bed made you feel, or how you made yourself feel
nic916: how i felt when i realized i was in chicago, and not with him
chaz720: so your need for home was not fulfilled by local friends or family
chaz720: and rather than trust the ceiling you blacked it out
nic916: yep, pretty much
chaz720: that would explain a lot
nic916: what do you mean
chaz720: well, I think you know
nic916: yeah
nic916: just looking for some sort of comfort, or at least a distraction
chaz720: sleeping under an unfamilar ceiling can have some intersting side effects
nic916: heh, yeah
chaz720: mainly, while you cannot feel as though you are in one place, it can be hard to settle on one frame of mind
nic916: yep
nic916: i never thought id actually -want- to go back to chicago
nic916: i told jason this morning that i was going, and that i was excited, he was surprised too
chaz720: that's understandable
nic916: funny how things all turned out...
chaz720: funny...
nic916: although
nic916: i guess they havent really "turned out"
nic916: its still going
chaz720: go on...
nic916: its not even close to being over
chaz720: do you want things to turn out?
nic916: yes. im tired of all this fucking drama. it wears me out =)
chaz720: ah, fake plastic trees...
nic916: ?
nic916: radiohead?
chaz720: =)nic916: i dont think i have that song...is it about that?
chaz720: yes
nic916: ha, well i geuss i should download it eh?
chaz720: a part of my collection...
nic916: i know ive heard it before
chaz720: in my car many times over I'm sure
nic916: haha yep
chaz720: another song while you're at it
chaz720: Sister Hazel - Change Your Mind
nic916: i have it
nic916: =)
chaz720: so what is your opinion on my observation of female behavior made tonight
nic916: hm
nic916: to some extent its true
chaz720: and to another...
nic916: probably more females than males are insecure
nic916: but
nic916: i think its more a personal thing
nic916: i know guys that are very insecure
chaz720: you mean it's more on an individual bais
chaz720: basis*
nic916: yeah
nic916: maybe how you were raised
chaz720: I guess bais works there too
nic916: if you were praised alot as a child, you could need it as an adult. maybe more girls are praised as children than boys, and thus the gender difference
nic916: either or
chaz720: well
chaz720: I believe that people do construct themselves through what they believe other's views to be
nic916: do you?
chaz720: quote
chaz720: ahem
chaz720: quite*
nic916: haha aww i was waiting fora good quote =)
chaz720: like I said before, it goes back to the tree falling in the woods
nic916: ?
chaz720: ultimate freedom is being alone, but it also means you are nothing
nic916: i like to be alone
chaz720: but you like sleeping with people (again in the actual sleeping sense)
nic916: this is true
nic916: i like to be held. but in silence
chaz720: of course, being held means being accepted
nic916: very true
chaz720: if you wish to be truely free and do anything you wish, it means not having to be accepted, which means being alone
nic916: i guess i dont like to be alone all the time...i just crave it more now because i havent been ale to recently
chaz720: but if you are alone then it is impossible for most people to define themselves
chaz720: which means you are nothing
nic916: i do anything i wish ;-)
nic916: haha youre too philosophical at 3 am ryan
chaz720: so once again we have freedom which means being alone, which means being nothing
nic916: so freedom=nothingness
chaz720: so do we want freedom as people, or do we want definition?
nic916: people would argue freedom. but they wouldnt mena it
nic916: mean
nic916: too
chaz720: after all, to become defined, means to conform to how others think makes you a good person
chaz720: how = what
nic916: you can be defined as bad
chaz720: well, bad and good are both merely forms of attention
nic916: maybe the bad just dont care
chaz720: no, I think they do
chaz720: do you think a child that cries cares if it is being "bad" when it wants attention
nic916: no...but thats a child.
nic916: as an adult, maybe someone who was potentially good just gave up
nic916: and stopped caring
chaz720: some would argue our needs as people don't change
nic916: i think they do
nic916: becasue we change
chaz720: does the person give up on attention, or do they simply try alternate routes to obtain it
nic916: haha i dont know, its a hypothetical person. it could be iether
nic916: i agree that being "bad" is a cry for attention
chaz720: well, I assure you, if you truely give up on attention, you will not recieve any
nic916: but maybe not always
chaz720: and thus, you will have ultimate freedom
nic916: and youll be nothing
nic916: =)
chaz720: exaclty grasshopper
nic916: grasshopper??
chaz720: poor attempt at humor
nic916: please explain
chaz720: karate kid....
chaz720: nevermind it's not important
nic916: saw it when i was really little
nic916: haha thats ok
nic916: just making sure im not missing something i should be understanding
chaz720: *smiles* it's alright
chaz720: so, if people seek definition, how does this relate to their need to fulfil home?
nic916: they feel their home defines them?
chaz720: well, some people let their homes define them
chaz720: homes being their family or their friends
chaz720: so is home where a person feels the most defined?
chaz720: or does a home actually define the person?
nic916: home is where they feel defined
chaz720: so is it still possible to have more than one home?
nic916: yes, because you can feel "defined" more than one place
nic916: but it could be different. i think you cant be the same person in two different places
chaz720: more than one place, or in different places at different times?
nic916: more than one place
nic916: i feel at home here, but i also do in mobile, and chicago
chaz720: so you can be defined differntly at different places, at the same time?
nic916: yes
chaz720: you feel a different home
nic916: yes. but its still home.
chaz720: ah, which brings up the next topic, how are you defined at a home you are not currently at?
nic916: by your perception of it
chaz720: ah ah ah, not so fast
chaz720: that would be you defining the home
chaz720: we said that you are defined by your interactions with others not yourself
chaz720: so how are you defined at homes you are not at?
nic916: yes, by your surrounding...and what you believe your surrounding are or were
chaz720: but that merely defines what you think of that location, what about who you are?
nic916: you would be defined there, if you were there. if i was in mobile now, i would be defined and at home
nic916: you are different at each home
chaz720: so if you are in mobile, then what defines you here in chicago?
chaz720: (correct answer: the people in chicago)
nic916: i am a completely different person here...but i could be the same to you as i always was.
nic916: yeah
chaz720: so, what defines you in homes at which you are not currently located?
nic916: the people
chaz720: and how are these people supposed to define you if you are not there?
nic916: memories
nic916: ideas
nic916: perceptions
chaz720: right, so what do we know about people's memories, ideas, and perceptions?
nic916: theyre flawed and biased
chaz720: so how are we defined in locations that we are not?
nic916: inaccurately
nic916: except
nic916: when you -are- there
chaz720: so what happens to your home when you leave it?
nic916: it stays the same
chaz720: so what happens to your defination at a home when you leave it?
nic916: it stays the same, for that home.
chaz720: keep that in mind when you return here tuesday
chaz720: goodngiht, and sweet dreams, I am going to bed
nic916: haha
nic916: thank you
nic916: i will
nic916: you too
nic916: goodnight

just a note, if you found this conversation interesting, then please go watch Neon Genesis Evangelion at this very instant, you will love it.

November 25, 2000

Okay just wanted to plop a little pointless update on my site to say I will be going back to school tomorrow and if you were waiting for an update than you have but one more day to wait. I have a bunch of fun stuff for tomorrow, so I will write again then. Now I'm going to sleep because we are leaving somewhere in the vecinity of 8 o'clock tomorrow morning. Night all, see you come winter break.

November 26, 2000

A few things for today. I will be straight to the point in offering for your viewing pleasure, a little gallery of photos that I took over thanksgiving break or rather, more accurately, Saturday night at dinner. The whole beating of Hans thing was kinda random, but the fact that everyone agreed to hit Hans, I just thought was funny.

Break was a lot of fun, I got to play some football, I played Baulderdash with the family (great definition-guessing game if you didn't know), I went shooting out at the club, got to see a few movies (something I find myself doing less with no car), and I went out to dinner I think 5 of the nights I was there. A little temporary week back in senior year is what it felt like, and I feel like just about everyone had a good time.

Unfortunately, I had to go to the dentest a couple times, because there are little things on a few of my teeth that they wanted to "fix before anything was really wrong" In other words, they wanted to cause pain... They accomplished this very well, I must say, as the woman who cleaned my teeth was probably spawned from satan himself. She felt it was not her job to simply clean my teeth and give me pointers on how to fix little areas (which I already knew, but my lower braces had prevented me from actually doing), oh no, this wasn;t enough for her. She had to inflict the wrath of the tooth-fairy upon me for having a couple bad areas, jamming a metal pick against my gums while she told me how horrible a person I was. If I had any fear for death, it is now gone.

I obtained, in real video format, all of the episodes of "celebrity jeopardy" on SNL. And If you can get your hands on them I suggest you watch, maybe I'll put my favorite one up here tomorrow or something, I still haven't decided which, but I can If I really really try.

A lot of pressure for me to make a new counter-crap, that seems to be the gerneral sentiment, although I get it moslty from joel :P. I will maybe have it done possibly as early as this weekend provided I care.

November 27, 2000

One year ago today is when I started this stupid little thing that is my site as you see it now. Prior to that it was a worthless mess of pages that you couldn't get around, and it provided no info about me or who I was. Since then it has documented just about everything in the past year. And I figured I'd go through and just pull a few things out now. No real need to click on any of these unless you really feel like you want to read about the story again, but anyway here goes

Obviously I can't hit on everything, but those are just some of the more interesting ones I saw when I looked over it.

November 30, 2000

I like black and white (Dreaming in black and white) You like black and white (Run Runaway) See chameleon (Lying there in the sun) All things to everyone (Run Runaway) If you're in the swing (Money ain't everything) If you're in the swing (Run Runaway) See chameleon (Lying there in the sun) All things to everyone (Run Runaway) If you got a crush (Don't beat around the bush) When I got a crush (Run Runaway) See chameleon (Lying there in the sun) All things to everyone (Run Runaway) Oh now can't you wait (Love don't come on a plate) Oh now can't you wait (Run Runaway) See chameleon (Lying there in the sun) All things to everyone (Run Runaway) Run Runaway

I don't know why I like that song, I really don't

I haven't slept since Tuesday, so I'm not in the best of spirits right now. Howeverm the design challenge for ece110 was today and our car ran the track with no problems, in fact, at one point it took a turn so fast it did a burnout and left marks on the track, I just thought that was cool. And the lab write-up was pretty cool, so I should do very well in that. I had an otherwise very busy day, and so tomorrow I get to relax a bit, and not worry about much at least until saturday, I deserve a day off after these last two days.

And on other quick thing, we had some form of small fire or smoke bomb go off around midnight or so on either the 6th or 7th floor because we had to evacuate the building, and when we were walking down the stairs we walked through about 4 flights of pretty bad smoke. No big occurrence I suppose because I am back inside and I'm not brething smoke right now. I did have to spend about an our out in the cold and since I figured it was going to be just a drill I didn't bring a cigar or anything so that kinda sucked, oh well, maybe next fire.

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