chaz720.net - journal

November 01, 2000

I know, I know I've let you down. I've been a fool to myself. I thought that I could live for no one else. But now, through all the hurt and pain, it's time for me to respect, the ones you love mean more than anything. So, with sadness in my heart, feel the best thing I could do, is end it all and leave forever. What's done is done, it feels so bad. What once was happy now is sad. I'll never love again, my world is ending. I wish, that I could turn back time. 'Cause now the guilt is all mine; can't live without the trust from those you love. I know we can't forget the past. You can't forget love and pride, because of that it's killing me inside. It all returns to nothing... It all comes tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down. It all returns to nothing... I just keep letting me down, letting me down, letting me down. In my heart of hearts, I know that I could never love again. I've lost everything, everything. Everything that matters to me, matters in this world.

This song has a very negative theme to it, failure and lack of worth in one's own eye. But the melody in the background and the absolute beauty in the singers voice just give it this optimistic feeling that feels really strange with the subject matter, maybe that's why I like it. It gives you a sort of, "I'm really depressed but things are going to be okay" feeling or something. This is easily my favorite song from Eva.

I set up the credits page so it is a bit more useful now, it lists all the songs in the journal and lets you jump to that entry directly, I might do the same thing for poems, letters, etc, who knows. Make it easier/more fun for the viewers of this site. Oh, and I will take this opportunity to pat myself on the back at random. Over the last month my site averaged 150 hits/day, with about 1600 unique viewers. So that's kinda intersting. A vast improvment over what this page started as, simply a picture of a moon, some links to my friends sites which were all equally worthless and lacking in content, a list of some of murphy's laws, and finally a giant flashing e-mail me button. I would like to think that I have picked up quite a bit of talent in my field, (what that field is at the moment I do not know) but it seems to be working. I have tried all kinds of things on this site, and you can read about almost everything I've done in the past 11 months (I do on a rare occasion leave some things out of this, but that's my business, not your's :P) and if you wants to, you can get your laugh on over in the other sections of this site. Although I have to be very honest with you, many of you have probably been to those sections of my site more recently than I have, and I'll be damned if I can remember what is in the "chain letters" section anymore.

If you are blind than I should tell you that the opening page has changed, my motives, well, a couple things. One, I as tired of having sound of any type on my site, and that was getting old anyway, two, those lights ran like shit on anything but a beast of a computer, and three, I really like that picture of Rei and Asuka. I have a calc quiz tomorrow and a lab in ece110, so I am prolly going to get ready for those later tonight, So I am actually writing this now at like 6:00pm which is the first time in a long time that I have done that. I usually write these closer to 6am :)

oh and with the introduction of a new month, we once again have a neato binary date of 110100 today, enjoy it while it lasts

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