chaz720.net - journal

December 04, 2000

Come my love, I'll tell you a tale, of a boy and girl, and their love story. And how he loved her oh so much, and all the charms she did possess. Now this did happen once upon a time, when things were not so complex. And how she worshipped the ground she walked... And when he looked in her eyes, he became obbsessed... My love is like, a story book story. But it's as real as the feelings I feel. My love is like, a story book story. But it's as real as the feelings I feel. It's as real as the feelings I feel. This love was stronger than the power so dark, a prince could have within his keeping. His spells to reap and steal her heart within her breast, but only sleeping. My love is like a story book story, but it's as real as the feelings I feel. My love is like a story book story, but it's as real as the feelings I feel. It's as real as the feelings I feel. He said, "Don't you know I love you oh, so much? and leave my heart at the foot of your dress." she said, "Don't you know that story book love, always has a happy ending?" Then he swooped her up just like in the books, and on his stallion they rode away. My love is like, a story book story. But it's as real as the feelings I feel. My love is like a story book story, but it's as real as the feelings I feel. It's as real as the feelings I feel."

It took me a few tries to figure some of those lyrics as the sentances are kinda awkward. But we just watched The Princess Bride, so I had to put this song up. I suppose you are all wondering what has been going on the past few days, and the answer (excluding saturday) is not much. I got my new laptop (new for me anyway) and I am realy enjoying it, glad I got it, it's been nothing but sweet. I got all the programs I use on it and they all run just fine on it, who ever said you needed a really fast computer for it to be functional? My guess, someone who was selling really fast computers.

So saturday Crispy, Phil, Joel, Milzy, and John came down/over/various other directions of travel for a party at Toby's frat. It was great, lasted long time and it was good to be out with them again. As with Joel's site, for some reason I don't feel like I'm allowed to say anything about the party, even though as far as I'm concerned, nothing really even happened.

Katie just kinda randomly said something to me that made me think the other day, she said, "Don't deprive others of the chance to meet you." all in all that can mean about 5 different things, but I guess I'll just take it as a compliment. And I have no intention of "depriving" people of the chance to meet me, now just may be a time where I need to get comfortable here, once I am comfortable, I will become bored quickly and seek alternate forms of entertainment. I think as soon as I have my first set of grades I will truely feel like I am a college student. At that point I will look back and say, yep, I've earned this credit in college, and here are my grades. Comfort is just around the corner, and with that boredom, and with that I will meet someone, until then, I have no problems to claim for my life as it is, I do what I feel like pretty much all the time, as of lately I haven't really spent all that much time at my computer, and have a bunch of friends I can always talk to. Between now and then, my thoughts will be yours, goodnight.

December 05, 2000

[00:44] *** Quits: lungfish (Read error to lungfish[pvil-c-055.resnet.purdue.edu]: Connection reset by peer)
[00:45] <ChanServ> [lungfish] Did i fall off?

Oh the painful, painful irony...

Ask yourself this, have you ever taken a test where you walked away from it, and said to yourself, that was the easiest test I have ever taken, and you are sure you got 100%... and then you get the test back, and you check the name 4 or 5 times to make sure that the marked up mess that lay in front of you is in fact the same test on which you had gotten your perfect score? While I didn't really do bad on my chem test tonight, I could have sworn I had aced it and upon going back over the test with the awnsers, I had to question my sanity while I took the test.

December 06, 2000

Well it would appear as though through indorsing my site, Joel has well... You have the image in front of you... Never to be outdone however, I have produced this twisted mess. Okay now you may proceede to never again desire to view this site as you are so completely beyond horror that you have no wish of ever laying eyes on anything that was even typed by the very hands that you just oberved in their twisted wrecked positions...

So if you have not already heard of a show called junkyard wars, I suggest you tune in next week as it is one of the few shows that I will sit down at the TV to watch. It's on at 8ET on wednesdays on The Learning Channel, and it has this basic plot: two teams of four engineers have ten hours to build a vehicle to accomplish some task laid before them faster or better than the other team. The catch? they can only use parts that they find laying around in a junkyard. The result is some very very fucking awesome machines, as well as some absolute shitheaps. Today one of the episodes was to build a vehicle that could tear down three walls of various strengths, first a simple brick wall, next a double thick brick wall with a roof, the final a foot thick wall reinforced with steel rebars. One team built a two a-frames and hung a giant battering ram which they repeatedly pulled back and swung at the wall. The other team built a truck with a three joint hydrolic arm and a giant claw at the end which was also hyrolicly operated. They even spraypainted teeth on the claw :). The ram got to the first wall first and started poking holes in it, and then the claw came over to their wall and just grabed a chunk of it and knocked half the wall down in one motion. When going fo the second chunck in took the wall down, but one of the joints at the base broke and the giant arm fell over and crushed one of the show's cameras. So they busted out a welding torch and rigged a couple of side struts to hold it up, and they back and running again. by now the ram was half way through the second wall so the claw ran over there and started tearing the shit out of that wall too and had just cought up to the ram, when the trucks radiator blew a gasket and started spraying water all over the place, so they had to get buckets of water and pour them into the radiator while the claw tore the hell out of the wall, and just when they were finishing the seal on the hyrolic line to one of the pumps broke and the hose shot off spewing hydrolic fluid all over the place. So that same guy busted out the welding touch and welded the seal back on and fixed the radiator on the spot and they rushed over to the final wall, at this point they were way behind so they just lowered the claw and drove at the wall and knocked about half of it over in one move, then they moved the claw and took out another quarter of the wall but it was took late, the ram people were able to beat the wall into submission gradually, but I have to give props to the claw team, their truck was awesome and should have one had it not just completely fallen apart in the middle of the contest

December 09, 2000

Subject: :) check out my page!
Date: Sat, 09 Dec 2000 18:07:43 EST
From: J4782@aol.com
To: champu@chaz720.net, phydeaux@mediaone.net, crispy2154@aol.com

www.student.northpark.edu/chieuj
I was bored.

Subject: Re: :) check out my page!
Date: Sat, 09 Dec 2000 18:08:02 -0600
From: Ryan Simpson "champu@chaz720.net"
To: J4782@aol.com
CC: phydeaux@mediaone.net, crispy2154@aol.com

farbeit from me to criticize someone on their first or even first few attempts at something, but that page hurt my brain. Not in the sense that your brain hurts if you eat ice cream too fast, nor in the sense that your brain will hurt when your sinuses are stuffed up. No, rather it hurt my brain in the sense that one thousand nails piercing my skull all at once as I plunge to my death into a vast canyon of blaring sirens wailing five hundred decibal blasts at my ears, hurts my brain.

--
Sincerely,
Ryan "champu" Simpson

Over the course of the next few days (read: until thursday night) I will be studying for and or taking finals. What this means is, that you wil most likely get an update every five minutes because I am looking for anything else to do but study... okay no really, I am going to be for the most part taking the week off from my computer save to check e-mail, so that will be the best way to get to me. I'm sure that all of you are going to be dying to hear about my wacky studying antics, but I'm afraid you just might have to go with out. This is most likely for the best for most of you 'cause you should all be studying too (you know who you are.) I have been studying today for a while and as of now (it's about a quarter to 7pm) I haev gotten through a few chapters in psychology, and that's my goal for tomorrow, to have at least psychology done. Whatever is left of tomorrow and monday will be spent on chem and ece, and wednesday (I have most of wednesday free) will be spent on calc. That's the game plan and I am going to be sticking too it. I may even decide to get damn near all of psych done tonight, cause I did sleep in pretty late and that means I can stay up pretty late and still be able to study :)

What is really keeping me going through the whole finals thing? I look at it this way: I am going to study my butt off, do well on my finals, and then by the time I'm done thursday afternoon, if I know I put a lot of work into this week, my break will feel that much better. I had mentioned before that I felt as though as soon as I had recieved my first set of grades, I would feel like an actual college student. Well that was kinda under the stipulation that my grades were good :) hehe. obviously any jack-a-moe could get all D's, that's not my objective, I am getting A's or B's in all my classes, and there is only one final that I could feasibly "screw up on" enough to change that. I am perfectly happy with that. Cause I think a number of my classes are very difficult and I do the work, so there you go. I only got two B's in all of high school, and a few select people were joking that I was going to get a B in college and that I would be like the end of my life or some equally annoying inconvience. And I vowed to myself that I wouldn't let it turn into that.

I would like to take a week long break from this little rant I've got myself on, and go ace some finals, how's that sound? talk to you all in a week, and good luck to everyone else in my situation as well, ace some finals for me everyone.

December 11, 2000

Maslow saw most people as controlled by a deficiency orientation, a preoccupation with percieved needs for material things. Ultimately, he said, defeciency-oriented people come to percieve life as a meaningless excersize in disappointment and boredom, and they may begin to behave in problematic ways. For example, in an attempt to satisfy the need for love and belongingness, people may focus on what love can give them (security), not on what they can give to another. This deficiency orientation may lead a person to be jealous and to focus on what is missing in relationships; as a result, the person will never truely experience either love or security.

In contrast, people with a growth orientation do not focus on what is missing but draw satisfaction from what they have, what they are, and what they can do. This orientation opens the door to what Maslow called peak experiences, in which people feel joy, even ecstasy, in the mere fact of being alive, being human, and knowing that they are utilizing their fullest potential.

(Bernstein 503)

About a year ago I was bitching profusely about not being able to have a DSL modem hooked up in my house, when I had a 56k dail-up connection that provided me with better pings than I get here at school on our "broadband".

chaz720 (3:18:42): www.chaz720.net/photos/twig.jpg
phydeaux36 (3:20:32): why did you take a picture of a twig
chaz720 (3:20:54): i like that twig
chaz720 (3:24:59): the closer you look at nature the more perfect it is, and the closer you look at man made objects, the more imperfect they are
phydeaux36 (3:27:12): well, take the sun
phydeaux36 (3:27:18): you look at it from afar, you say, wow, thats beautiful
phydeaux36 (3:27:29): you look at it up close, you say, AAAGHGHGHGH I M BURNING HELP PLEASE

I actually didn't think about this til now (almost two days after that conversation) would the sun really be considered nature? Or does nature refer primarily to things on earth? I guess it could really go either way.

December 14, 2000

Try to see it my way, do I have to keep on talking 'til I can't go on? While you see it your way, run a risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone. We can work it out, we can work it out. Think of what your saying, you can get it wrong and still you think that it's alright. Think of what I'm saying, we can work it out and get it straight, or say goodnight. We can work it out, we can work it out. Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend. I have always thought that it's a crime, so I will ask you once again. Try to see it my way, only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong. While you see it your way, there's a chance that we might fall apart before too long. We can work it out, we can work it out. Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend. I have always thought, that it's a crime, so I will ask you once again. Try to see it my way, only time will tell if I am right, or I am wrong. While you see it your way, there's a chance that we might fall apart before too long. We can work it out, we can work it out.

I am back home in Inverness tonight, and I am very glad to have all my finals behind me. When I was done with my calc final, I nearly wanted to dance home, but it was a bit too cold for that :). So far all the finals that I have gotten back are right on par with how I was doing in the class anyway, so I am exactly where I was about a week ago, which is to say, pretty decent shape. As far as I can figure I am looking at 3 As and 2 Bs. Not a bad start I suppose, and as I forcasted, I finally feel like a college student (leave it to me to get to this point only after I am not even currently taking any classes... But no, in all honesty I feel more "settled in" than I did, oh, about two weeks ago. Like I have some classes under my belt, and I have nothing but the rest of college and eventually the rest of life to look forward too. It's a great feeling.

Well my laptop is working out great for me. I have the keyboard, trackball, and speakers from my desktop hooked up to it here, and it runs great. It actually puts out very good sound to the speakers which is suprising, I was predicting more interferance than I am getting. The modem works (good thing, I didn't have a chance to actually test it at school. So I can update the 'ol site, do the e-mail thang, and chat on AIM and mIRC. Hell I even got flash4 on it now so if I'm feeling really ambitious I can make a cartoon while I'm here. It's like a home away from home :)

Today's my mom's birthday so everyone say happy birthday for her

I will be working on a new site over the break called www.syllogisms.net don't expect to see anything posted there while I'm at home here, all the work I'm going to do for it will get posted when I get back about a month or so from now, it's then that I will actually work on the site's desing which is secondary to the content on the site which, I must say, is going to take a considerably longer amount of time. But as this morning I woke up early so that study calculus (and learn how to do variable conversion for triple integrals as I kinda didn't know how to do that until this morning and it was on the final :P) I think I am going to "get my sleep on" now so I will see you all as you arrive back in the wonderful Chicagoland area, goodnight, and goodluck to those of you who are still taking finals.

December 15, 2000

It's the perfect time of year Somewhere far away from here I feel fine enough I guess Considering everything's a mess There's a restaurant down the street Where hungry people like to eat I could walk but I'll just drive It's colder than it looks outside It's like a dream you try to remember but it's gone Then you try to scream, but it only comes out as a yawn When you try to see the world beyond your front door Take your time, 'cause the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile When you realize that a guy my size might take a while Just try to figure out what all this is for It's the perfect time of day To throw all your cares away Put the sprinkler on the lawn And run through with my gym shorts on Take a drink right from the hose Change in to some drier clothes Climb the stairs up to my room And sleep away the afternoon It's like a dream you try to remember but it's gone Then you try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn When you try to see the world beyond your front door Take your time, 'cause the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile When you realize that a guy my size might take a while Just try to figure out what all this is for Pinch me, pinch me 'cause I'm still asleep Please God tell me that I'm still asleep On an evening such as this It's hard to tell if I exist If I pack the car and leave this town Who'll notice that I'm not around? I could hide out under there I just made you say underwear I could leave, but I'll just stay All my stuff's here anyway It's like a dream you try to remember but it's gone Then you try to scream, but it only comes out as a yawn When you try to see the world beyond your front door Take your time, cause the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile When you realize that a guy my size might take a while Just try to figure out what all this is for Try to figure out what all this is for Try to see the world beyond your front door Try to figure out what all this is for

Man I really tried to contain myself about this whole "skunkteeth wants to come back to the kellhounds". It has turned into such a retarded and pointless drama, I think we all need to give each other the finger and move on, trying to resolve this by arguing and presenting cases makes it seem like so much of a trial when all it is, is idiocy. Sorry for all of you who currently have no fucking clue what I'm talking about now, it is beyond trivial

this just in, my site is no longer "fake" here at cha720.net, no more of that, "haha you thought it was at chaz720.net but it's actually at chaz720.twu.net" crap. you will notice if you goto view>source now it is actually my code and not some gay redirection thing anymore, cheers and rejoicing proceded, one of these days I will make a nifty little icon that appears next the url in the address bar that so many sites nowadays are doing, I know I have that written somewhere, I'll find it later

so tonight I went bowling with chrispy, rosie, tracy, and hans, that was cool, it became cosmic bowling about 2/3 of the way through it so that was nice and trippy. I think the funniest was when we were walking back to our cars, crispy started to slip as he was getting his keys out (the roads were completely covered in ice) and he ended up throwing his keys under his truck and they landed like directly under the center of the truck, a clumbsy thing that could happen to anyone, but it happened to crispy :)

December 16, 2000

Won't you come see about me I'll be alone, dancing - you know it baby Tell me your troubles and doubts Giving me everything inside and out Love's strange - so real in the dark Think of the tender things That we were working on Slow change may pull us apart When the light gets into your heart, Baby Don't you forget about me Don't, don't, don't, don't Don't you forget about me Will you stand above me Look my way, never love me Rain keeps falling Rain keeps falling Down, down, down Will you recognize me Call my name Gonna walk on fire Rain keeps falling Rain keeps falling Down, down, down Don't you try and pretend It's my beginning We'll win in the end I won't harm you Or touch your defences Vanity, insecurity Don't you forget about me I'll be alone, dancing - you know it, Baby Going to take you apart I'll build us back together a heart, Baby Don't you forget about me Don't, don't, don't, don't Don't you forget about me As you walk on by Will you call my name As you walk on by Will you call my name When you walk away Oh, will you walk away Will you walk away Oh, call my name Will you call my name?

There has, and undoubtably always will be, a human need, an obsession if you will, to be important. Everyone loves to be loved so to speak. And why not, we live only through the eyes of others. We can convince ourselfs we are anything we want, we have that power over ourselves. We do not have that power over others. We can only convice others of who we are through our actions, what we say, what we do. So what do we want to convince others of? We want attention, good attention is better than bad attention but either will do in a pinch. And it seems everyone's goal is to be needed. If the worst feeling that can ever be felt is lonliness, then the second worst feeling is the feeling of being replacable. This is true for everything we do, whether it be at a job, as a friend, or as a loved one, we would like to believe that we are the only person qualified for the job. The thought that someone losing us would be devistating to them is incredibly flattering. That your being gone would have such a profound impact on someone else suggests that you are infinately important to them. If you were to be gone and people replaced you easily, what does that say about your importance? It means you didn't have very much. People will always try to move on and fill holes in their lives, but people don't want to leave a hole that can be filled, they want to be every thought in someone's head, they want to be the reason that someone can't sleep, they want to be that damn important. But wanting is dumb. Having is what people should concern themselves with. Why would you rather be a pleasent memory than pleasent company? What is so great about anything once you are gone? Is it the thoughts you have now about the future that make you so happy? Why would you have to derive happiness thinking about what will happen after you die if you aren't happy with yourself as you are alive?

live life for life, not for a eulogy and an epitaph.

December 18, 2000

Along the way to close my eyes I lost where I was going The more it will spin the more that I try To stop my mind flowing Away away To all that I despise Along the way to close my eyes You can�t be let down if you don�t expect the world Expect to lay awake there by your sleeping girl If somebody cares then there is no way you can tell Cursed consciousness it�s your private hell Along the way to close my eyes I lost where I was going The more it will spin the more that I try To stop my mind flowing Away away To all that I despise Along the way to close my eyes Tick tick tick the clock bludgeons your mind Endlessly replaying times that were unkind Go away sun I�m not prepared for you today It seems you are it seems you are Along the way to close my eyes I lost where I was going The more it will spin the more that I try To stop my mind flowing Away away To all that I despise Along the way to close my eyes

Today we spent several hours trying to locate the entire Neon Genesis Evangelion series on VHS in japanese with english subtitles. It is really turning out to be quite the task. And as the videos will total about $350 + shipping from amazon.com that has been moved to plan E. unfortuantely for plan E, plan D is to wait for all the DVDs to come out and then buy those (which turns out not only to be cheaper, but will also allow the choice of subtitles, dubbed, or neither (if we want to take clips for some reason (yes I realize I just put perenthesis within perenthesis))), plan A,B, and C all involve just having the videos and aren't much of plans really as they are results, so to hell with planning, we suck at it or something.

last night joel and I stayed up til all hours of the night perfecting our lovely scripts of banning and protecting in mIRC. it goes to show what one can do given complete boredom and a computer.

I wonder what percentage of really great ideas out there have come from those conditions, okay, so maybe not with a computer, but just shear boredom... I'm guessing quite a bit. The human mind usually likes being occupied when it's not, and then unoccupied when it is too heavily. Everyone has a different level at different times, and people will do what they have to to achive that level. When people are outside that level they often start doing whatever it is they are doing poorly. So if people are really bored, they will start looking for things to do. I'm willing to guess that this often resulted in several inventions. Just think, why in the hell else would we be able to tell the story of Benjamin Franklin and the kite. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND FLIES A KITE IN A THUNDERSTORM UNLESS THEY ARE REALLY FRIGGIN' BORED?!?! I mean honestly... okay here we go, things that were definately invented by people with way the hell too much time on their hands...

the joint - when someone normally inhails smoke, they cough, thus there is no intuitive reason to light something on fire and stick it in your mouth. I wonder how many things people had to smoke before they found marijuana
origami - okay, I don't know if you have ever tried this, but getting the damn paper to fold just right is a complete pain in the ass and should not be attempted after using lsd
lsd - when people were depressed because of having nothing to do, they made a drug that made them feel like they were doing something, gotta love it
clothing - 'cause in all honesty, we'd all rather just walk around naked
the clock - my god, if people had things to do all the time, time wouldn't matter, people would just do something, be done, and move on to the next thing when they were ready to, it would be great.
porno - I don't think I need to really elaborate here
stuffed animals - I think that if you get right down to the heart of what is actually going on here, you will see that it is kind of demented, we are making fake animals out of parts of plants...
Hans - BOO HISS! I know, I know, a cheap shot but I'm guessing you all laughed anyway you little bastards
cliff diving - okay, how many times does someone have to be told to jump off a cliff before it strikes them as "something to do" rather than just sit on their ass all day?

all these things would have never been had people been otherwise ocupied in more productive activities, like mud wrestling.

December 19, 2000

I am colorblind. Coffee black, and egg white. Pull me out from inside. I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am... Taffy stuck and tongue tied. Stuttered, shook, and uptight. Pull me out from inside. I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am... ...fine. I am covered in skin; no one gets to come in. Pull me out from inside. I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding. I am, colorblind. Coffee black, and egg white. Pull me out from inside. I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am... ...fine. I am... ...fine. I am fine.

I will not rest until all the evil color is gone from windows... To much crap drawing attention away from actual thing I am trying to use. I like color in websites... not my site, but sites in general. I like colors that are mellow, not too bright on the eyes, just all kinda flowing into one another, low contrast that's it. Maybe it's because I usually use my computer at night most of the time. But I think the color in windows is no good, all my winodws system colors are various shades of gray and, you can sk joel about this one if you don't believe me, I went through and edited out all the color in my favorite winamp skin so I wouldn't have color there. I like the utilitarian part of my computer to be just that, I don't want "flair" when I am going to get a program or going to pick an mp3. Right now I am driving a loaner car that my dad got so that us three siblings wouldn't have to fight over one car for a month. The car is black, with black and gray interior, and I love it, I love that color scheme. People think that grays are depressing and lifeless, I disagree. Find a good picture of someone that you have on your computer and get rid of the color in photoshop or paintshop or whatever, and then tell me you don't like grays.

Hans got his hands on a brand-spiffy-new Playstation 2 tonight, and there was much rejoicing.

Hans pointed out that the prices of PS2s on eBay were coming down quite a bit as now it is a bit late to still get them before Christmas, but mind you, this is a price drop from the average, what was it, something like $1400? Okay, so I've played it now and I can see that is one fantastic gaming console, I can't warrent anyone spending that kind of money on a console. in fact I can think of a few things I would like other than a PS2 with values up to $1400

actual copies of NGE - if plan D or E from yesterday's infamous "half plan, half last scurry" were to come true it would make me a happy person
A 21" monitor for my computer - as I already have the proccessing power of a playstation 2 in my computer, I think a huge screen is the only thing keeping me from the pure goodness that could be my computer
A down payment on a car - as much fun as pretending to drive my ass around at 200+ mph, it's even more fun not to have to walk my ass anywhere at 10- mph
A very large hat made from a taco shell - I can fill the entire thing with salsa, strap it on my head, and dance around to "Arrow - Hot, Hot, Hot" while people people eat the nachos off my head
The hornet gun from half life - I could run around and shoot hornets at people, I mean c'mon, how can you honestly get tried in court for shooting hornets at people, you could use it as the perfect weapon...
DA: your honor, we intend to prove that the defendent used a hornet's nest as a weapon to shoot hornets at the large groups of innocent nuns-
Judge Judy: HAHAHAHAHA... ...get out of my courtroom
plastic surgury - I would make myself look like I was smiling everywhere I went like lenny from the simpson's, that way through facial feedback I would be happy all the time
lots of beer - JUST HOOK IT TO MY VAIN!!!!!!!1
$1400 of gold - because gold is shiney, and it's really expensive so if I had a bunch I'd be rich or something
A "huge-ass" lens for my camera - 'cause I'm having a hard time following crisby's stalker guide without one :(

See aren't those much more fun than a Playstation 2? Just think of the hours of fun that each and everyone provides, I could smile as people at nachos off my head at hornet-point, watch NGE on my new golden 21" mon, getting drunk while my camera watched over my car for me. Now that would be the life, or as some of us like to call it, Thursday.

December 21, 2000

Sorry, I'm too busy thinking about five things to compitently write about any of them, I'll try and think through some of them for tomorrow

December 23, 2000

love, I get so lost, sometimes. days pass and this emptiness fills my heart. when I want to run away I drive off in my car; but whichever way I go I come back to the place you are. all my instincts, they return. and the grand facade, so soon will burn. without a noise, without my pride, I reach out from the inside. in your eyes, the light the heat; in your eyes, I am complete. in your eyes, I see the doorway to a thousand churches. in your eyes, the resolution of all the fruitless searches; in your eyes I see the light and the heat. in your eyes, oh, I want to be that complete. I want to touch the light the heat I see in your eyes. love, I don't like to see so much pain. so much wasted, and this moment keeps slipping away. I get so tired of working so hard for our survival. I look to the time with you to keep me awake, and alive. and all my instincts, they return. and the grand facade, so soon will burn. without a noise, without my pride, I reach out from the inside. in your eyes, the light the heat, in your eyes, I am complete. in your eyes, I see the doorway to a thousand churches. in your eyes, the resolution of all the fruitless searches; in your eyes, I see the light and the heat. in your eyes, oh, I want to be that complete. I want to touch the light, the heat I see in your eyes... in your eyes...

Everytime I hear that song I get the image of John Cussak in the movie Say Anything standing outside the house of the girl his in love with holding a stereo over his head with that song playing, and I remember how much I loved that scene. How perfect he would feel if it worked, if the person he was in love with loved him back too. I must say, I know many girls who have seen that movie and started balling when they saw that scene, so guys. If you really like a girl, and you are having troubles, get yourself a stereo, and go stand outside in the rain with the most beautiful song you can find. if you need help e-mail me

Over the past year I have had a great deal of songs that I have posted in my journal. And you may be wondering, "champu, how do you pick all these great songs to post in your journal?" and I may answer you, it depends. A while ago back in oh, March and April, I would pick a song at the end of the day that kinda summed up how I felt that evening. It was pretty simple, it was usually just a song that I had heard that day and I felt that I agreed with it and wanted to share it with everyone. Not a real scientific process by any means. Now I usually just listen to music whenever I'm at my computer and if a song comes up that I like but don't remember having in my journal I will listen to it and try to get as many of the lyrics that I can from it, and if for some reason I can't understand some of the lyrics I will look them up. Then I stick it in my journal and try to figure out why I like that particular song. Some people may like it and not know why, and it may be for that reason, it may be for some other reason too. Or they may just not really care for that song too much. In any case, I like to know why I like things, it makes it easier for me to tell when something changes. I think we feel more in control of ourselves if we can explain our beliefs to others, maybe we help justify our beliefs by explaining them to others. If we are unable to convince someone else that what we believe is valid, then how can we hold any validity in that belief? The more I think about things like this, the more I feel like humans are like a predefined program of some rather obvious goals. people don't want to be lonley in their lives, or in their beliefs. I think that, given in an overly generalized way, people fulfil their need to share beliefs with their friends. And people fill their need to not be lonley in their lives with their mate. Obviously sharing beliefs means you will need to be around your friends, but the fact that it is very easy to keep friends over long distances and not so much girlfriends/boyfriends over long distances suggests that being near friends is not as important as being close to your partner. Hence, you are fulfilling your need to simply have another close to you through your mate.

I played tekken tag tournament for the playstation2 for almost 8 hours last night, and I just have to say that Eddy Gordo owns... yes I have begun the search for mental help already, thank you for your concern.

December 24, 2000

So I asked you about almost all the cheeses, do you have any here? well you haven't asked about limburger sir. Ah, yes, have you and limburger? No sir. So tell me, have you any cheese in this establishment whatsoever? Yes sir of course. Really? No, not at all sir. None? Nope, I was deliberately wasting your time sir. Very well then, I'm afraid I'll have to shoot you now. Yes naturally sir.

I learned today that my first spoken word was "awesome"... god even as a baby I was a loser. I mean... ...awesome... ...? geez, anyway. So merry Christmas to all, and to all zzzzzzz...

December 26, 2000

Before I get off on my little spiel here, I would like to take a moment to point out that this website looks really cool.

"To be human is to be flawed"... I know you all have heard that one before, but I was thinking about it, and I'm not sure it is quite that simple. Would this mean that striving for perfection is an inhuman goal? I think that the flaw lies not in human nature, because if it did, it would never be expressed. We, as members of today's society, not allowed to express much that is the true "human nature". Things like morals, laws, and group pressure keep us doing what we think is right all the time. It is from this tension between our id and our superego where our "flaws" are created. No one has ever said, "to be a monkey is to be flawed", at least not within my earshot, and yet monkeys (yes I am generalizing chimps, apes, gorillas, arangatans, and true monkeys under one convienient heading "monkey" for the sake of simplicity) have all the basic needs that humans do (affection, actualization, nutrition, and reproduction) so where did we take the wrong exit on the "err highway"? when did we let our superego take our ego out to lunch for an afternoon and tell the id they were meeting somewhere else? I think I am going to officially append the phrase to read, "to be a human in today's society, is to be flawed" I don't really see too much of a problem the way things are going, but now that people are so worried about everything that happens, they make mistakes. "To err is human" but to really f*$k things you need a committee. the more people that are involved in a situation, the more specific needs that try to be fulfilled, the more that nothing works properly. I don't think it is in our nature to make mistakes, I think that as a civilization, we are a bunch of meetheads.

Today I drove home at around 12:30, and get to my road by my house, a county road I might add, that is not plowed. It hasn't snowed to accumulation in 5 days, 5... days... I'm really getting tired of taking a sharp turn at the bottom of a hill that is banked the wrong direction and completely covered in snow. It wouldn't bother me so much if my entire neighborhood wasn't plowed, but this is one of two streets in an otherwise snow-free area that is still covered with the nasty white plague. So I thought to myself as I was driving through the half-foot of densely packed powder beneath me where I would rather be... Florida, Hawaii, California? nah, I like Illinois, but I would rather be out on I-57, at night with no traffic, in the summer so it's nice out, driving a 1969 jaguar roadster with the song Bittersweet Symphony cranked up loud enough for the farmers to hear it as I fly by at rediculous speeds. And I get nothing but fresh air, and even though I wouldn't neccisarily be going anywhere, it would take me hours to get there...

December 28, 2000

(Yo man) Yo (Open up man) What do you want man? (My girl just caught me) You let her catch you? (I don't know how I let this happen) With who? (The girl next door, you know?) Man... (I don't know what to do) Say it wasn't you (Alright) Honey came in and she caught me red-handed, creeping with the girl next door. Picture this we were both butt-naked banging on the bathroom floor. How could I forget that I had given her an extra key? All this time she was standing there, she never took her eyes off me. How you can grant the woman access to your villa? Trespasser and a witness while you cling on your pillow. You better watch your back before she turn into a killer. Best for you and the situation not to call the beaner. To be a true player you have to know how to play. If she say you're not, convince her say you're gay. Never admit to a word when she say makes a claim, And you tell her baby no way. But she caught me on the counter. (It wasn't me) Saw me banging on the sofa. (It wasn't me) I even had her in the shower. (It wasn't me) She even caught me on camera. (It wasn't me) She saw the marks on my shoulder. (It wasn't me) Heard the words that I told her. (It wasn't me) Heard the screams getting louder. (It wasn't me) She stayed until it was over. Honey came in and she caught me red-handed, creeping with the girl next door. Picture this we were both butt-naked banging on the bathroom floor. I had tried to keep her from what she was about to see. Why should she believe me when I told her it wasn't me? Make sure she knows it's not you and lead her on Da right prefix. Whenever you should see her make da giggolo flex. As funny as it be by you, it not that complex. Seein' is believin' so you better change your specs. You know she not gonna be worrying bout things from the past. Hardly recollecting and then she'll go to noontime mass. Your answer: go over there, but if she pack a gun, you know you better run fast. Gonna tell her that I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused. I've been listenin' to your reasonin' It makes no sense at all. We should tell her that I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused. You may think that you're a player, but you're completely lost.

I am fascinated by people's need to know as much information about everything as possible. And this can be expressed in a number of different ways, most notably is by simply snooping/spying/evesdropping. Many people will peak at letters when they have the chance, look through someone's computer, it's part of being an infamous "flawed human". Somehow in our twisted mess of motives floating around in our head, we feel that it is very beneficial to have as much information as possible. I guess it makes sense, it can be made use of in a number of ways, the more information we know, the better a decision we can make. Or on a darker note, information can exchanged for other gains *cough*blackmail*cough*. So I guess I can see why people would do suc things as snoop and evesdrop, there is nothing but benefit for the subject, that is of course, unless he or she gets cought.

The other part of people knowing information is a bit more interesting. It is not so much "knowing" information that is important here, but rather what I like to call, "projecting the image of grandeur". In more basic terms, you are only as intelegent as the people that count percieve you. Who are the people that count, well, it can be any number of people at any given moment; a boss, a friend, a client, a sibling, a fan, whatever you wish. Anyone you want to think you are intelegent. So, how does one go about "projecting the image of graduer" effectively? Well there are a few parts to this type of intellegence, henceforth refered to as, "street smarts". It's probably 20-30% actual knowledge based on past experience, you read it somewhere, or god forbid even in school. Another 20-30% is based on intuition, that voice in the pit of your stomach that says, "yeah, sure I guess that would make sense.", and no I'm not talking about the anchovies you had for lunch. Finally the last 50% is made up of confidence. And when I say confidence I mean 100% home-grown, not from concentrate, pure-bred, fiber-enhanced, completely biodegradable, made from recycled materials, bullshit. Now keep in mind that just because half of everything I say I pulled out of my ass (or a bull's ass in the case of the last sentence) does not mean that half of the time I am straight-forward and the other half of the time I am bullshitting. Rather, half of each thing I say is probably an uncertainty. Words can flow from my keyboard (I'm usually not very philisophical in real life to be completely honest) and the 50% of me that is using knowledge can stear the bullshit half in the right direction, but at that point, it's anyone's guess.

So what about people wanting to know information? just because they can "bullshit" well, doesn't always make them feel all happy about themselves. So people will actually convince themselves of things. This is both dangerous and funny as all hell at the same time. People may have a few pieces of information that they've accumulated, and they will complete their knowledge of said topic with up to 60% excrement! Then! they will attempt to tell themselves that this is actual knowledge. Which is the number one reason that a number of you shook your heads just a minute ago when I told you that you were 50% full of shit. You said, oh no champu, I am more like 25% full of shit, no wait, make it 15% full of shit. Well I'm here to assure you, that you are at half a tank. The people that "project the illusion of granduer" the best are the ones that know where all their lines are drawn. When talking to other people they must be fully aware which barrel they have their hands in or else they are going to step in something they don't want to. I think it was Joel who told me sometime this last summer, "you seem to just bullshit everthing you say, but almost all of the time you end up being right", and on one of my reviews at compUSA my manager told me, "you seem to really know what you are talking about at all times, that's one of your greatest points is product knowledge. Of course you could just be bullshitting, but when you talk it sounds convincing enough for me." To which I replied, "Why Mike, I would never need to bullshit you", to which he replied, "what are you still doing in my office?" Ah, but in all seriousness, I think people like to see confidence first and formost. Particularly when hiring employees, but also just when people are looking for friends. There was a kid I met right when we got to school here that had a clump of people hanging around him the whole weekend just because he acted like he knew where he was going. He in fact had no idea where the hell he was ever going, but the shear impression of knowledge was enough to make me stick with him (that and there was also some pretty good looking girls that were with him too, but that's a bit off of todays topic, ahem, cough) The grand moral of today's story is, if you are pretending to know something, just remember where you put your bullshit, so you don't step in it.

USDA Warning: this entry is known to contain unusually high levels of cow feces, please be advised.

December 30, 2000

[00:27] <champu> ah yes the setinfo, irc's most concentrated way of quoting people out of context
[00:27] <vapor> ah the acronym, the simplicity in its complexity
[00:27] <champu> why don't they just call acronyms "a"s?
[00:28] <vapor> stfu, just shut the fuck up

Link of the day: A really old PvP cartoon that I saw today. Will there be a link of tomorrow? No. Do you care? No. Do I care? Not particularly. Fine it's settled then, no link of tomorrow. I always believe in democracy here at chaz720.net. All the editors of this page get their vote.

So Joel and I find ourself ina delemma for trying to find copies of Neon Genesis Evangelion... It looks as though we will have to put this off until some other break. By then plan D, or was it plan C...? oh well anyway, the one where I wait for the series to come out on DVD, will be completed (barring catastrophy which we all know is futile to bar) by this summer. I have the first two dvds as we speak (or as I type whichever you prefer) and the 3rd is on preorder at amazon to be released sometime in January. I am gussing there will be around 8 DVDs although I could be wrong. The first two discs each have 4 episodes and the third will have three. Perhaps the very obvious "declining value" trend will continue, perhaps not. I suppose in time the answer will present itself. So what do I think of the DVDs that I have so far... well seeing as the first time I watched them it was in a format with a lower bitrate than a public access TV station in Hungary... I have to say I like them quite a bit. People that reviewed it on Amazon had some beef about the picture skipping or something but I sure didn't notice anything. It's good to get to watch them on a big screen too. As for the English dubbing, I'm going to have to stick with the original Japanese soundtrack as a lot of the attitude and inflection is lost in the tape over. This is not to say that the English voice actors did not do a good job, it's just a little wierd to watch it in english when I'm used to the characters speaking Japanese.

Using a differnt IRC server than the one(s) you are used to is like going to forign country. Everything works so differently from network to network, some times I just get scared and lonely. /me hides in corner. (damn that command doesn't work here!!!)

chaz720: maybe my brain just gets off on it's own sometimes and leaves the conversation up o my hands
chaz720: my hands that can't spell the word "to". Sigh, is there no hope...

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