chaz720.net - journal

March 01, 2001

lately i've been feeling low a rememdy is what i'm seeking i take a taste of what's below come away to something better what i want is what i've not got but what i need is all around me reaching seraching never stop and i'll say.... if you could keep me floating just for a while 'til i get to the end of this tunnel...mommy if you could keep me floating just for a while i'll get back to you sometimes a jimi thing slides my and keeps me swingin' i'd like to show you what's inside i shouldn't care if you do or don't like it brother chaos rule all aboutsometimes i walk there well yes, god knows, sometimes i take a bus there shouldn't care i shouldn't care bereaved as i'm feeling the day is gone i'm on my back string up at the ceiling i take a drink sit back relax smoke my mind make me feel better for a small time what i want is what i've not got and what i need is all around me reaching searching never stop and i'll say... if you could keep me floating just for a while 'til i get to the end of the tunnel... mommy if you could keep me floating just for a while i'll get back to you

No, I'm not dead or maimed, it's just been a while.

I made a flash intro for the site but I don't like it, so I'm going to make something short and sweet this weekend. I had this overly elaborate layout of all this music and images and crap and I got it all laid out, I optimized all the compression settings and got it down to around 150k, and then I watched it, and it was really, I mean really awful. So that's in the can and I'm just starting over again.

It looks as though the trip is definately on for spring break, I have mae arrangements with family for places to stay, and such. I can hardly wait... one more week, just one more week...

Meanwhile today seems to have fallen off the planet, I kept falling asleep today even though I got 8 hours of sleep last night. I don't feel ill I just feel incredibly tired all the time... really weird, I'll have to look into that.

March 03, 2001

Picture yourself in a boat on a river, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies. Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly, a girl with caleidoscope eyes. Cellophane flowers of yellow and green, towering over your head. Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes and she's gone. Lucy in the sky with diamonds, Lucy in the sky with diamonds, Lucy in the sky with diamonds, ah, ah. Follow her downto a bridge by the fountain, where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies. Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers, that grow so incredibly high. Newspaper taxis appear on the shore, waiting to take you away. Climb in the back with your head in the clouds and you're gone. Ref. Picture yourself on a train in a station, with plasticine porters with looking glass ties. Suddenly someone is there at the turnstile, the girl with caleidoscope eyes.

my new posting system is done, and this entry is brought to you care of said system. There is a small thing I want to work out about the date displayed when I post something at like 2 in the morning. I have usually just posted entries like that under the heading of "the day before that". This is because If I post an entry at 1am, then the next day I post at 11:30pm, it would be dumb to list these as the same day even though tehnically they did take place on the same date. if you feel like looking at the system that I use to post entries you can feel free to check that out here. (yes there is a password) I really just wanted something that meant a lot less crap to go through when I wanted to post lyrics, because I always include a link up in the credits section to all the lyrics that I post in this journal. That and now it's a lot easier for me to update my site from wherever I want.

One more week before spring break, yeup.

Tonight we have a kellhounds game against the number 13 team on the ogl bracket, sure we probably won't win but hopefully it will be fun none the less. I think we are going to be leaving that ladder pretty soon anyway, so it really won't matter either. I'm just looking for fun out of the kellhounds and I don't expect anyone to look for anything else either.

I am working on a couple of flash movies at once now so this means that most likely nothing is going to get done in the real near future :), as always keep an eye out, I'm going to get some food :D, everyone loves food.

March 05, 2001

What will you do when you get lonely? With no one waiting by your side? You've been running and hiding much too long You know it's just your foolish pride Layla. You've got me on my knees, Layla. Begging darling please, Layla. Darling, won't you ease my worried mind? Tried to give you consolation. When your old man, he let you down. But like a fool, I fell in love with you. You turned my whole world upside down. Make the best of the situation Before I finally go insane Please don't say we'll never find a way Or tell me all my love's in vain

I woke up this morning and there was some garbage floating around outside my window. Nothing to spactacular in it of itself- plastic bag, page of news paper, wrapper from a kraft single. But I live on the 15th floor. My god is it windy outside. Thank god there's no ice on the sidewalks or the population of hospital patients would be up 500%.

I shaved my head yesterday, okay so -I- personally didn't shave my head, but Fei shaved my head. Not just the usual "use the smallest spacer on the clippers and go at it" shave, but rather the "hi, I have no hair" shave. I like it much better like this, takes less time to dry and my hat fits better. The only beef I have is that I have flannel pillow-cases, so now when I lay down my head like, velcros itself to my pillow and it kinda annoys me... I'm willing to ignore this side of the coin.

I'm still working on coming up with some cds to listen to on the way down to florida on friday. I came up with about 10 categories of music that I made playlists out of... but, it's so hard to go through my list of 2000-odd mp3s and be like, okay, I like these 150. I get through the whole list and make up the 10 discs and then I get to U2 and I'm like, shit, okay disc 11. No more then 12... No more then 12, I'll just keep telling myself that.

I think that in order to have a decently fun time in college and actually learn anything in your classes, is to realize that all your teachers are in fact not out to get you. It is not a test on them to fail you, and a test on you to pass, they are supposed to give you what you need to pass and then everyone is happy. Mind you, I did say that not all your teachers are out to get you, once in a while you will get Jane or John Q. Hellwhore as a TA teaching you math 4000 complex differential equations of linear matricies, or god knows what, and they will have remembered that said class was an absolute pain in the ass for them and they will "return the favor" as a euphemism for "dicking you over". For the most part I have been able to avoid such TAs, *knocks on wood* and I hope must of you will be able to as well, but remember, if this happens to you, you can always take refuge with the mental image of lighting them on fire and looking on in glee as they run screaming out into the street and get hit by a bus... oops I actually typed that, I'll just click "reset form" here and-

March 06, 2001

Life it seems, will fade away Drifting further every day Getting lost within myself Nothing matters, no one else I have lost the will to live Simply nothing more to give There is nothing more for me Need the end to set me free Things not what they used to be Missing one inside of me Deathly lost, this can't be real Cannot stand this hell I feel Emptiness is filling me To the point of agony Growing darkness, taking dawn I was me, but now he's gone No one but me can save myself, but it's too late Now I can think, think why I should even try Yesterday seems as though it never existed Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye

So I was playing around with the whole theme of shitty and horrendously ugly websites, and came accross a site that not only was ugly, but the source code nearly made me laugh myself an anyuerism see for yourself, that's a little snipit of how the page starts, and I even included a link. Not to be outdone in the shitty-site field, I came up with an interesting creation of my own. That page loads a random color value for both the text and the background on a page with some basic formatting. It actually prooves usful in coming up with cool color schemes for websites, because in all honesty, I think If there are anymore all gray websites created I'm going to eat my own face.

Mass quantities of homework dispensed with and now one more homework assignment and a quiz away from spring break, w00t!

We have a kellhounds match coming up in about 4 and a half hours now, and I got very little sleep last night so I'm gonna go grab a nap.

funny thing now that I'm thinking about it, this morning the only reason I woke up for my class was because it's the first Tuesday of the month and at 10am they tested the tornado sirens and they woke me up heh, I guess those are useful after all.

March 10, 2001

Hello everyone, I'm writing this from my sister's fiance's computer in Athens. I brought my laptop with me, but it is suffering from modem-uselessness disorder so If I get that to work I will update, otherwise I won't.

The drive down was relatively uneventful except for the fact that we got lost repeatedly and drove out of our way, a maximum distance of around 30 miles when we went the complete wrong direction of I-24. But anyway...

So we are having a good time in Athens, we have been eating a whole heck of a lot-o-food and wandering aimlessly around town. I must say the weather is nicer here than it is back in illinois, but as we progress further southward we will hope the weather gets even warmer :D. I have a bunch of ideas for movies that I will make as soon as I get back, that will prove for a rather interesting time for all you lovely viewers out there, can't you just taste it? I know I can. Now please stop trying to eat your computer you lok like a retard.

March 13, 2001

this is a very quick update from a circuit city computer that I happen to have the use of for a few moments. We've been having a good time so far, I got a bit burnt but nothing that is too bad. Tomorrow we will be going to Busch Gardens and that will prove to be a most joyous time.

But now it's time to go and Joel and Lauren are bitching at me to use the computer or leave or something I don't really know what they want. I probably won't have any more posts until I get back so look for them then. I still have a bunch of ideas for some absolutely rediculous flash movies that I plan to make once I get back to the real world, it's just a matter of not being a lazy ass :D.

March 20, 2001

Baby's black balloon makes her fly. I almost fell into that hole in your life. You're not thinking 'bout tomorrow 'Cause you were the same as me. But on your knees. A thousand other boys could never reach you. How could I have been the one? I saw the world spin beneath you, and scatter like ice from the spoon that was your womb. Comin' down the world turned over. And angels fall without you there. And I go on as you get colder, Or are you someone's prayer. You know the lies they always told you. And the love you never knew. What's the things they never showed you? That swallow the light from the sun Inside your room, yeah yeah. And there's no time left for losin' When you stand they fall, yeah Comin' down the years turn over And angels fall without you there And I'll go on now and lead you home and All because I'm..all because I'm I'll become, what you became to me.

back in the saddle again, and I've already gotten a bunch of work out of the way, leaving tomorrow afternoon almost entirely open for making the lovely flash movies (which I have actually started already). I want to get at least one done tomorrow.

So the vacation did me good even if it didn't exactly do my body any good. I have a distinct inability to form any form of tan whatsoever. I sat out in the sun for two hours on the beach, and all that happened was the backs of my knees got a little burnt and peeled, no traces of a tan =/. Maybe I should just stop trying, I don't think being a darker shade is a noble enough cause for me to burn the shit out of myself.

I saw a couple of movies over the break that I reccommend you see. I saw Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon in theatres and I saw Heat on dvd. CTHD is the coolest kung-fu movie I have seen in a long time, cheers. and Heat was dramatic and hilarious at the same time, Al Pacino plays one of the funniest cynical characters ever. Go see those movies if you haven't.

There seems to be a lot of little signs of ungratefulness penting up around me, not from people I know, but from the anonymous. There was a guy who e-mailed me about making a intro flash movie for his site he was coming up with, and then another flash movie once a month or so. And when I told him I would make the intro but not the monthly series he said okay, but then later changed his mind and said he wanted to use the flash for some clan. And he was all upset when I told him that I didn't make clan intros. Secondly, I have a collection of some Divx movies on my computer (Highly compressed High-Quality full-length movies) and being the nice guy that I am, I decided to share these for people to download from our building's LAN. After all, this doesn't go toward my bandwidth limit so why shoudl I care right? wrong. I explicitly stated that if you wanted to take the movies that you were to download them to your computer, not stream them off my computer. If too many people do this it kills my network connection. Sure enough I sit down at my computer this afternoon and it is running laggy as hell, so I click unshare on my movies directory and I get this. To say the least I was not thrilled...

March 22, 2001

Finally I figured out But it took a long, long time But now there's a turnabout Maybe 'cause I'm trying There's been times, I'm so confused All my roads, they lead to you I just can't turn and walk away It's hard to say what it is I see in you Wonder if I'll always be with you But words can't say, and I can't do Enough to prove, it's all for you I thought I'd seen it all 'Cause it's been a long, long time Oh but then we'll trip and fall Wondering if I'm blind Rain comes pouring down, falling from blue skies Words without a sound, coming from your eyes It's hard to say, it's hard to say It's all for you

First off, can I please get a gameboy that is bigger than a deck of cards? I just got mario tennis and I love the game it's great and all but the damn gameboy is just not made for the big-pawed folk.

For some reason, even though I never seem to get anything done, I am always busy. I don't know what is going on here. I have intentionally cut back on my sleep because I had been getting too much of it over break and I had almost no energy during the day. So I'm hoping a little less sleep with step up the 'ol metabolism. But even this extra time awake seems to be consumed by the time-warp gnomes that don't let me get anything done, ever. I speant quite a while today fucking with my website to make it be more cross-browser friendly, and although I'm not done, I have made some progress. My site now looks perfect in MSIE 5.5, MSIE 4.0, Mozilla, Opera, and Netscape 6. Netscape 4 still remains a pain in the ass as it feels it knows what's best for my site... I'm slowly but surely chipping away at the evil. As soon as I get a couple more gallaries compiled I will put up a photos section for all to see. I already have two from a while ago, but I'm too lazy to link them here.

Taking a break from the stupid talk of websites, I am finally happy to be enroled in my engineering class. We finally have a new professor who I can believe has a Ph.D. He has a sharp wit and actually knows how to put something in front of the class in such a way that you can remember it, and if not, at least write down what he says and figure it out later, something that was nearly impossible before.

Hans:Sometime before I graduate, I am going to drive my car across the quad
Ryan:Oh I can see it now- *officer: liscence and registration please *you: what seems to be the problem sir? *officer: I clocked you going 45, do you know what the posted speed limit? *hans: I didn't see any speed limit posted. *officer: maybe that's because you were DRIVING ON A FUCKING SIDEWALK, get out of the car now

March 23, 2001

He was about as lazy as they come
He woke up each morning and did nothing
day in and out, he accomplished nothing
He felt deatched from the entire world

He was assigned homework but saw no point
He didn't have to go to class, so didn't
He held no job, he had enough to get along
He stayed home on weekends, parties tired him

He grew hungry, but didn't feel like getting food
He was happy where he was, lying in his bed
He had no friends to tell kick him into gear
He died of malnutrition
-RS

Public service announcement, eat food (unless you are fat, then please stop eating)

I've always been a fan of counter-strike from when I first started playing it. It was a lot of fun, presented me with a new use for my noggin', and I was always pretty decent at the whole "point at the bad guy and click" aspect of it... I got away from it for a few months because my misfortune did not present me with the opportunity to play, now I come back and I play it with varying levels of a fun-factor. Now, I think there are four basic things that can happen when I play CS

I play well and have fun doing so
I die every round... ...and have fun doing so
My team wins every round and I don't have any fun
The other team has five people that are 20-2, I am 10-10, and the rest of my team is 0-15 and I don't have any fun.

I think there are certain levels of fun that can be had by the mere event of winning. But there are times when winning becomes tedious, and I think people need to learn the concept of evening up the teams in public play, and not simply spouting, "teh teams have the same no of peeps, stop suxing if u want teh evan team" which is, as far as I'm concerned, one of the stupidest, and yet frequent, statements uttered in counterstrike. I think there are some very clear signs, that you too can pick up on, that the people in your server are more interested in winning, then in what I like to call, "having fun"

at the begining of the map 5 people all jump to one side thinking it is the "better side to be"
more than 5 people on one team are using awm/ps
people change from the team that has lost the last 5 rounds to give the winning team extra help
between maps the top 4 people are always on the same team
it's a 3 on 1, they refuse to give you a partner, and then plant the bomb every round
The Ts all camp their spawn point every round on a bomb map (or Cts on cs maps)

I grow tired of games that get very one sided and no one wants to do anything about it. And I've always promised myself I wasn't going to play the game on public servers if It wasn't any fun, lest I wanted to grow to hate the game.

So, bunch of people coming this weekend in a little reunion-style gathering. Almost scary how much we all still talk, but I suppose high-school friends die hard, why shouldn't they? college is supposed to be where you learn the most about life, people, and when all else fails, your major. But you learn some big things in high school as well.

Hmm, it's a quarter after 2 in the afternoon, I have class at 3, and I just woke up... I think it's shower time

March 24, 2001

As I sit here looking out my window, out to the east I see a city. I see the lights of the various buildings, each serving it's own function, each with it's own uses. The quad is relatively dark as those buildings are vancant at this hour. And beyond the light of the city I see nothing. No far off city as would be expected in some painting, no lights to give a feeling of simile to a small town like this. During the day I notice you can see buildings pretty much all the way to the horizon, but the horizon is lost at night and the land appears to continue off even further, with nothing on it. During the day I glance up at the sun and think of all the people who see it along with me, and the people who see it when I can not. At night the sun leaves the land surrounding this town concieled, and allows the stars to show themselves. At night I can see stars from billions of miles away, and I can ponder what may exist in their presense, and who might also be looking at them with me, but I can't see three miles beyond my window to the horizon where I know the land quite well. At night I am not working, I am not going to class, or doing homework, or occupying my mind with the same activities as during the day. At day, my mind is too busy to think twice about the stars. And so, I suppose convieniently, they are invisible to me. But at night how the stars beg for attention, from me, and from whomever I can image is looking at them with me.

Tonight was fun despite my lack of actually doing much, I have spent the last hour looking out my window, wondering what it was I was actually looking at... I was feeling good as I had just enjoyed a dinner of lobster tail, soup, and twice baked potatoes. I have jen to that, and as she said, I don't know that college students were ever meant to eat this good. Well, as far as I'm concerned, I wasn't meant to eat anything in particular, so if I have to eat something and it happens to be lobster, well then that's just the way it's going to be.

Last night we had a substitution party for the Theta-chi gathering that everyone missed tonight. We had Joel, Hans, Toby, Chris, Dave, Phil, Brian, and Bill here and so as you can image it was pretty fun. A little miny high school reunion for some that have graduated not a year ago. as I said before, I suppose your high school friends die hard.

And so tomorrow, after my internet limit clears again from the fiasco that was downloading a song from bearshare, which resulted in about 2 dozen subsequent downloads of said song and the consumption of an obscene amount of bandwidth as I fell asleep waiting for the song to finish, I will download the second episode of love hina a new anime series, that I have this feeling will prove quite addictive, if only I can stop feeling awful for the main character.

March 26, 2001

yane no ue de sora o aogu hizashi wa urara ka. miageru sora karada juu genki ga minagiteku. that's so wonderful! ikiteru n da! yamerarenai! akirameru da nan te! tohou ni kureta kinou ni sayonara. futsu futsu to wakiagaru kono kimochi. nando demo yomigaeru. hana o sakaseyou. omoide wa itsu mo amai nige basho. dakedo tachi kireasu o ikiru tame. shuku fuku no toki wa kuru. te wo nobashite! doutou no hibi wa tsuzuku doko made demo, tengoku to jigoku yukitsu modoritsu. nando demo yomigaeru. hana o sakaseyou! hashire hashire ai o te ni suru made. sore de kurushimu nara nozomu tokoro. shuku fuku no toki ga kuru. te wo nobashite! te wo nobashite! ryoto agete.

though not entirely sure, I'm guessing from my knowledge of japanese that the title of this song "Sakura Saku" means something along the lines of an opportunity for love blossoming. Of course, the title of the song could also translate to "cloying beyond all words" and that would be equally fitting.

So I woke up this morning, even earlier than I usually do on Mondays, to go do a lab for ece, and in the midst of designing my inane circuit to devide a binary stream by five, I check my e-mail out of shear boredom and my sister had sent me a link to this, and I was cracking up hysterically in the middle of the ews lab. I also suggest you take a look at some of the other parts of this guy's site, you will laugh I gaurentee it, although I'll put nothing behind that...

I was walking back to my place from the lounge and I saw something that I thought was funny so I took a picture of it for you all. Oh, and speaking of coming back to my apartment... when we got back from break last week, we noticed that all the buttons for the elevator on each floor had been replaced, presumably they were making some "adjustments" to better our elevating experience, or some crap like that. Anyway, for the past five days they have had one of the elevators out of service cause they are overhauling it or something, and so the top 8 floors of our building have one elevator to use now... and the latest is- Fei got pissed at the elevator button last saturday, and gave it a good 'ol roundhouse and smashed one of the buttons in, causing it to spew somke and the stench of burning electronics into the air... oh yes, and rendering it useless. So for a day we had to press the up elevator button and ride the elevator up to the top, and then come back down again. Now the up button doesn't work and down does, but the other elevator still isn't fixed, I tell you, I'm about to run to sportmart and get some repelling gear and just jump out my window, it would probably be better in just about every way.

but now due to bad planning/horrid misfortune I have five, count 'em, five online assignments due tonight... so, right after junkyard wars is over, I have to "get crackin'"

March 28, 2001

Downloading episodes of Love Hina is actually turning out to be a really annoying task. And I found out why when I downloaded episode 2 it absolutely beat the hell out of my bandwidth limit.

The probelm arises from how Bearshare works. Since there is no central server to connect to, searches most be passed from computer to computer, until they find their way to a host that has the file that's being looked for. This means that at all times your computer is connected it is acting as a search engine server. All kinds of strings and information are bouncing off your computer, and the better the connection you have, the more people that wil try to connect to you as a host. Now, you may ask, just what are the consequences of something as trivial as just a few search strings going through your computer... Well I'll give you an example. I searched for episode 3 of love hina, a 60.4 meg file, I started the download and went to sleep (no other programs running, not even aim) I got up just as it was finishing, and looked and no files had been downloaded from my computer, and I hadn't downloaded anything else... ...I check my bandwidth log... ...in the half hour it took me to download this file, bearshare had used 194.7 megs of bandwidth (aggrigate up and down) over three times the size of the file I was downloading. Clearly not a program that was designed with any regards to people with quotas. I tried unchecking the "accept incoming hosts" box, and got bascially the same results. /me sighs

All third party models and skins for counter-strike completely and utterly suck

My sister gave me a banner to include in my pool for her site. I've kinda lost touch with just who exactly my reader-base is, but I think most people will enjoy her work. It makes some of my drawings look trivial, but I guess that's a good thing cause she does have an art minor :D. I think it's great that she loves painting plants and Eric loves growing them, it was like being in a mini-botanical gardens in their apartment :P.

Ryan: I really like this lamp on my monitor, it's glare-free, it lights up the area around my monitor so it's easy on the eyes, and it doesn't put out too much light so it won't piss you off when you are trying to go to sleep
Hans: Whatever, a desk lamp is a desk lamp
Ryan: actually, I've had other lamps and I find this one-
Hans: yeah yeah, we al know you love your desk lamp and would fuck it if it had a hole

That comment even caught me off gaurd. I hope he was just really tired. Speaking of really tired...

March 29, 2001

Make a hole with a gun perpendicular to the name of this town in a desktop globe. Exit wound in a foreign nation, showing the home of the one this was written for. My apartment looks upside down from there, water spirals the wrong way out the sink. And her voice is a backwards record, it's like a whirlpool, and it never ends. Ana Ng and I are getting old and we still haven't walked in the glow of each other's majestic presence. Listen Ana hear my words, they're the ones you would think I would say if there was a me for you. All alone at the sixty-four world's fair, eighty dolls yelling "small girl after all". Who was at the DuPont pavillion? Why was the bench still warm? Who had been there? Or the time when the storm tangled up the wires to the horn on the pole at the bus depot. And in back of the edge of hearing these are the words that the voice was repeating: Ana Ng and I are getting old and we still haven't walked in the glow of each other's majestic presence. Listen Ana hear my words, they're the ones you would think I would say if there was a me for you. When I was driving once I saw this painted on a bridge: I don't want the world I just want your half. They don't need me here, and I know you're there. Where the world goes by like the humid air. And it sticks like a broken record. Everything sticks like a broken record. Everything sticks until it goes away. And the truth is we don't know anything.

I'm surprised this song didn't make it in here earlier, I must have been on something.

Last night, being the insomniac that I am, I took a couple hours and wrote a search engine that lets you search the contents of this very journal for strings of text that might interst you... ...I haven't now, but I may implement a log to keep track of what all you messed up people search for, I know that most people either searched for their name right away, or they searched for things like, "porn", "ass", or "sex" and then immediately informed me of their findings. you can also find all my re-occuring typos, like "copmuter", so it should prove to supply hours of entertainment for all. or maybe just hours of entertainment for theose of you who have a harder time falling asleep at night than I do.

I swear I want to remove all material between Hans's sinuses and his lungs so he stops fucking snoring.

Thursday (today) I have a physics test, tomorrow, a difeq test, Tuesday, an econ test. I tell ya, when it rains it pours, and it's even raining out side to drive my point home. So what am I gonna do for all these tests, simple, the same thing I've been doing. I review sections of physics just to make sure I can derive all the equations and that's done (maybe an hour of work) Difeq I redo problems from each section's homework to make sure I can do each type pretty easily. And Econ I just read all the sections that the test is going to cover in the book. I have found, after the last test, that econ lecture is a complete and utter waste of my time, he barely touched any of the material he tested on, all his material was from the book, and I did okay on the test because I read the sections of the book that it turned out he tested most heavily on, I got lcky, this time I'm reading the whole thing. I think I'll be doing fine after these tests are out of the way, but I'll be somewhat busy until that time comes. It's a shame cause I just got my copy of The Ultimate Hitchhikers Guide in the mail today, and I probably won't get to start reading it until after this weekend sometime =/, damn. Take it easy everyone I'm going to try to brave the sounds of steel file on a hedgehog coming from the other half of the room and get some rest.

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