chaz720.net - journal

February 04, 2002

Will I ever get to, to where it is that I am going? Will I ever follow through with what I, with what I have planned. I guess it�s possible that I have been a bit distracted and the directions for me are lot less in demand. Will I ever get to where I�m going? If I do, will I know when I am there? If the wind blew me in the right direction would I even care? I would. I take a look around; it�s evident the scene has changed. And there are times when I fell improved, improved upon the past. Then there are times when I can�t seem to understand at all and yes it seems as though I�m goin nowhere... really fucking fast, nowhere fast.

Alright, alright, I'll give the Incubus a rest.

Hey sorry for disappearing for a week there, this semester is turning out to be a real bitch, and it's not going to be not a bitch real soon either, I have a few tests coming up within the next couple of weeks including on Wednesday so I'm still gonna be pretty damn busy. Ece313 is turning out to be pretty difficult, not cause the material is hard, but because there is simply so much crap I have to remember from calculus that I took like 3 years ago. Ece210 isn't really hard it's just another workload class that has written and online homework associated with it. Music, I have no idea what to make of, and physics is it's usual crappy self. But if I had to judge now, I'd say I'm going to do about the same as I did last semester, there's just more work involved.

I've been posting here and there on Llamanade.net because I managed to get the code from the pcf worked out to run crisby's site for him. I've more been posting to keep an eye on how the code is working out than anything else. So far it's working well, just a couple things I want to add to it and it will be fitting to my sister's needs for her site.

People came over this weekend from all around for the supebowl and I think most people had a good time, we went out saturday night and I got introduced to the home version of dance dance revolution which I'm alright at, but most people thought was dumb, most likely cause they sucked at it and mocked what they did not know. Fih on them! The superbowl started out so horrid but got pretty damn good by the end. I have to admit however that by the end of the game I was rooting for the rams just so that the patriots loss could be pinned on number 55 of the patriots who got holding called on him and produced a 14 point swing in favor of the rams. I just really wanted to make fun of the guy for that but oh well :D.

As far as the febuary poker tournament for this site. The idea is going on the back burner right now. What time I've had for coding has gone and will go into the script on crisby's and my sister's site. I do still want to run the poker tournament but it's going to have to wait, I don't know when, but I'll be sure to let you know when I do it. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I was going to have a free poker contest with a total of $100 in gift cirtificates as prizes. But, as I said, this is being postponed for the time being.

We went to circuit city tonight to return Kevin's stereo and mounting kit because he didn't like the stereo and because it was the wrong dash kit and it looked all crooked and ghetto-rigged. He ended up getting one that circuit city isn't supposed to sell yet and got it for 40 bucks below what the listed price on alpine.com says. It's 20x better than the one he had and it resembles my cd player in that it has cd changer control, two preouts, and a volume knob instead of the crappy buttons. much better.

I will say this though, I haven't really been bored at all these last couple of weeks, and on the rare occasion I had nothing to do I'd usually just sleep. Of course, when I'm worked I wish I was bored, and when I'm bored I wish I had something to do... I guess I'm just one of thos people who's never quite happy. But I feel pretty good most of the time :D

February 07, 2002

At first I see an open wound infected and disastrous. It breathes chaotic catastrophe, it cries to be renewed. It's tears are the color of anger, they dry to form a scab. To the touch, it's stiff and resilient, underneath, the new skin breaths. It's all been saved, with the exception for the right parts. When will we be new skin? As outwardly cliche' as it may seem, yes, something under the surface says, "C'est la vie." It is a circle, there is a plan, dead skin will atrophy itself to start again. Look closely at that open wound,see past what covers the surface. Underneath chaotic catastrophe, creation takes the stage. Fallacious cognitions spewed from televisions do mold our decisions. So stop and take a look, and you'll see what i see now.

Ha ha, just kidding, more Incubus.

So Illinois finally decided to win a game again, on the road to top it, and against Michigan to spit in their faces too. I love it. Let's see how this game on Saturday goes before we bust out the champaign (get it?)

Well, unlike the physics 111 and 112 tests, I went into the physics 113 test without that "Why am I even required to take this test it's below me" feeling, but I think I did alright. Also unlike 111/112 the 113 people are a bunch of slackers and don't have the scantron test graded yet... I never understood certain people's ability to not get a scantron test graded within 24 hours. Is it that hard?

So yeah the lovely photos that I stuck together of me for the sake of looking at change. LtoR: freshman/HS, senior/HS, yesterday, and my DL. I was going to include the picture on my Illinois school ID but it's an awful picture and on my ID it just looks like a black square. Oh well, enough for one day anyway.

I'm considering getting that alpine mp3 deck for my car because I can get it new on eBay for about 200 less than what it sells for in stores, but still, I'm going to wait and see maybe spring break or there abouts how much it's going for. It's definately one of those things that can wait.

I look at spring break this year and I just see this list of things that I want to do while I have the time off and I don't know that I'm going to accomplish any of it. I don't want to make a list because then I'll feel like I am holding myself to it. And it is supposed to be spring break and all. I have no idea what I'm talking about I'm just pissed that my break is ofset from Purdue's and I can't go to Costa Rica.

February 11, 2002

I've heard there was a seceret chord that David played and it pleased the lord, but you don't really care for music do you? It goes like this, the forth, the fifth, the mighty fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah. Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you. She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your thrown, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah. Maybe I have been here before... I know this room, I've walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you. I've seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah. There was a time you let me know what's real and going on below, but now you never show it to me do you? And remember when I moved in you, the holy dark was moving too, and every breath we drew was Hallelujah. Maybe there's a God above, and all I ever learned from love, was how to shoot at someone who out-drew you. And it's not a cry you can hear at night, It's not somebody who's seen the light, it's a cold, and it's a broken Hallelujah... Hallelujah... Hallelujah... Hallelujah... Hallelujah...

When I found out who this song was by I was taken aback for a moment. It took me a while to think to myself where I had heard the name Rufas Wainwright before, but that it hit me. He made a song a while back called "Instant Pleasure", Which is a kinda funny song which (upon inspection) I haven't posted the lyrics to yet. Point being, it's nothing like "Hallelujah" from the soundtrack of Shrek. It's played near the end of the movie just before the climax and it has a very very beautiful and yet very very depressing sound to it (if you didn't get it enough from the lyrics) This part of the movie is my favorite as they pan over all the characters and kinda show what the rest of the movie has done to them. (btw I'm trying really hard not to give anything away for those of you who haven't, but wish to see it. On that note, if you haven't seen it, go rent it or something) Well anyway, I like this song, so go, uh, buy the Shrek soundtrack :D

This weekend was kinda fun although not perfect. Friday night everyone fell off the planet so I stayed home, watched a movie, and beat Halo. (yes, that Halo). Saturday I went to a terrific basketball game against Purdue. We trailed by as much as 17, led by as much as 9, and finally won by 2. I enjoy nail biters better than blowouts personally, as crushing a team's spirits when you defeat them like 94-48 or something like that really isn't that much fun to watch when you think about. Victory always tastes sweeter when you really work your ass off for it. But then I never really put much effort into anything I do well so I wouldn't know. I usually either breeze through or try hard and foul it up anyway depending on what I'm doing. I just try to learn my limits.

But I digress...

After the game we went to a Theta-Chi party where there was lotsa people and beer, and music, and dark corners to get lost and talk to people in. Your classic party if you will. While I mainly talked to people I already knew, I also met a few friends of theirs, and they were all pretty cool people (with the exception of one person who misheard what Hans said during the party and then acted like a complete something else to both Hans and I the rest of the time, ah well, some people you just have to ignore) So that was fun, I danced for a while but the dance hall was a sweltering jungle of people and you could only stay in there for 10 or 15 at a time before you had to get something to drink. Ah well, it was fun, and to cap off the night, we had La Bamba's.

Sunday I spent doing nothing I should of and this morning I just realized I have a test in music which I will have stayed up late studying for by the time you all read this :D I thought it was Wednesday for some reason but I guess I'm a retard. Ah well, good ol' cramming.

February 14, 2002

She comes to me at night when I'm sleeping. She comes to me when I'm alone. She comes to me, she holds my head when I'm crying. She comes to me, she shuts my eyes. She brings me home. But I'm not sleeping anymore... She tells me when you look at me, she tells me when you're lying. She tells me when you talk about me, she lays me on the floor. She tells me when you're whispering, she lies beside me naked. She tells me when you laugh at me, and she locks all the doors. But I'm not sleeping anymore... 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 am, all alone again. But I've been through all this shit before. Spend my nights in self-defense, cry about my innocence, but I ain't all that innocent anymore. I see her on the TV, I see her in the movies. I see her in these animals that dance beside my bed. I'll follow you down baby, down into this valley. I'll follow you down baby, but I won't come up again. I'm not sleeping anymore...

So close and yet so far away from the end of the semester...

I remember, somewhat, this summer falling into the evil clutches of repetition and having it play hell with my sanity from time to time. I would go to work the same 8 hours every day, and every day inevitably end up Hanging out with the same people and talking about nothing until god knows when. The weekends I'd go to Bill's and party to celebrate the end of, well, just another week, who cared what we were celebrating? But all else aside, at least then I could make a reasonable prediction that I was going to sleep every night of the week. I can't say that now.

Since Sunday night, straight up until about 7:30pm yesterday when I got done with a lab, I did nothing but homework, class, study for tests, and I slept a few hours at a time when it was convienient. I don't really have a problem with doing that so much as it usually makes for a change of pace, and gives you something to be happy you got through. However, in my current situation this fails to be a change of pace and has pretty much been the story of my Sunday through Wednesdays for the last month. So I aim to do something about it.

I talked to a guy in my ece313 class who shared my sentiment about having a feeling as though being a retarded toddler when doing the homework, and having it take a lot longer than it probably should. We came to the conclusion that we were also sick of doing it in the late hours on Monday and Tuesday night when other classes had their abundant supply of torture coiled up and ready to do business. So we're gonna start making a habit of meeting at the library or somewhere during the weekend to get that taken care of. Moving that out of the way will make doing physics and other ece work a descrete undertaking and really lighten the load the beginging of the week. And who knows, maybe I'll sleep at night again.

Oh right, and the obligitory "Happy Valentine's Day"...

February 21, 2002

El Scorcho, Rock n' Roll! Goddamn you half-Japanese girls, do it to me every time. Oh, the redhead said you shred the cello, and I'm jello, baby. But you wont talk won't look won't think of me, I'm the epitome of Public Enemy Why you wanna go and do me like that? Come down on the street and dance with me. I'm a lot like you so please, hello, I'm here, I'm waiting. I think I'd be good for you, and you you'd be good for me. I asked you to go to the Green Day concert, you said you never heard of them. How cool is that? So I went to your room and read your diary. "Watching grunge leg drop New Jack through a press table" And then my heart stopped: "Listening to Cho-Cho San fall in love all over again." How stupid is it? I can't talk about it I gotta sing about it and make a record of my heart. How stupid is it? Won't you gimme a minute? Just come up to me and say hello (to my heart.) How stupid is it? For all I know you want me too, or maybe you just don't know what to do, and maybe you're scared to say, I'm falling for you. I wish I could get my head outta the sand, 'cause I think we'd make a good team, and you would keep my fingernails clean. But that's just a stupid dream that I won't realize, 'cause I can't even look in your eyes without shakin'. And I ain't fakin', I'll bring home the turkey if you bring home the bacon.

Hey, hope you're all still alive but if you're reading this than there is a pretty good chance you are.

Despite a bumpy couple of weeks there I'm feeling okay about this semester in school again. I'm understanding my analog signals class and homework again, and my random number theory work has gotten easier now that I use office hours and classmates to help me understand it all. Physics and music are the same old same old. Attend class -> do homework -> attend class -> take test -> repeat

I have fallen into a pretty predictable sleep pattern as of late and it has held for at least the last week or so. I've been going to sleep in the area of 10:30 and waking up at 6:30. The reason being, since I have class starting at 9 almost every morning, this schedule gives me a couple hours each morning where I literally have nothing to do but work on homework. No one's awake to talk to, and I can't play video games or watch TV cause that would wake everyone up. So I have homework to keep me occupied. Then, I go to class, I'm done around noon, and I'm free to do whatever the hell I want to until I get tired of being awake without any homework looming over my head all afternoon. I usually get tired again around 10:30 after being up for 16 hours, so I go to sleep and the cycle repeats. It makes my days much more enjoyable and I get 8 hours of sleep every night now. Plus I get a lot more out of my classes if I've been up for a couple of hours prior rather than rolling out of bed and going right to class. I must say it's working out better than my old sleeping plan, which was to say, no plan at all.

Hans tells me I'm insane and that my plan would in no way work for him, and that he prefers the "finally get to work on homework at 10pm and get done at whenever and sleep until 10 minutes before class". I guess if it works better for him than okay.

I've been in a very good mood most of this week, mostly do to the being well rested, but also the difference this week that I completed all my homeworks with the feeling that I understood everything and wasn't merely following the motions that were required to produce something, anything that I could throw on the pile when I walked into class and then forget about.

My mp3 collection... for a while I was considering putting each artist of songs into it's own folder so that I could easily create playlists including all of certain artists' songs. This plan has been scraped in favor of the following one. Everything goes into one giant mp3 folder, nothing is allowed to have id3 tags because half the time the id3 tags are all busted and fucked up anyway. I put all the songs into one general playlist and hit shuffle and play. Anytime I hear a song that I don't feel I would want to hear given any mood, I remove it and all the other songs by that artist (often all the other songs by that artist) from the playlist and save it. I leave the songs in my mp3 directory however in case someone ever wants to make a cd on my computer and they want that song on it so they don't have to redownload it. Hell I have 187 gigs of hard drive space on this computer, and I've always been a data packrat so why not? I mean c'mon, at 4 megs a song or so, what's deleting a hundred going to do? As long as they are off my playlist, out of sight out of mind.

Speaking of this computer, I'm proud to say I haven't added anything to it save the Live! drive in about 6 months and counting, yay, I think it's done now. Though I have nothing in plan whatsoever, I think when I'm forced to I'm going to buy an intel proc because they tend to run a lot cooler than athlons and right now my computer doubles as a space heater in it's current location. I'll try and put that off for as long as I can though. Because it requires buying a new motherboard and I'm not sure what that will do to my RAID arra-

Okay this is getting to jargony, I better quit while I'm ahead.

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