chaz720.net - journal

April 01, 2002

There are things that used to make me smile, one of them was you for just a little while. You left me for dead so far away, I replaced you with fear and shame. You'll be happy on the day I die. There are things that used to make me laugh, but now they're deeply buried in the past. I left them there so far away, replaced my humor with my pain. I'll be happy on the day it dies. Remember when I said I love you? Well forget it, I take it back. I was just a stupid kid back then, I take back every word that I said. There are things that used to make you cry, one of them was me for just a little while. Why is it that you had to say goodbye in your special way? You slashed the tires on my car. Remember when I said I love you? Well forget it, I take it back. I was just a stupid kid back then, I take back every word that I said.

Some new colors. I wanted something with a little less contrast and would be easier on the eyes. I think I got that down. Also, I took out the whole ?stats page crap where you see the last 50 hits cause I really didn't care and I'm sure all it did was make the page take longer to load by a second.

I haven't felt this lathargic in a long time. I have a bunch of stuff coming up but I'm so bummed out about nothing. Little things adding up and getting me down I guess. I have to deal with my idiot of an advisor, gotta get rid of last semester's advising hold so that I can actually sign up for classes, I have a test wednesday on top of a lab and the conflict is still on top of the lab so I gotta figure my way out of that. I also have a test on monday on ece313 a class that has gotten incredibly annoying over the last week. Not to mention my damned weekly excersize in drudgery of ece210 and ece313 homework that just won't friggin go away.

Oh yeah, and the NCAA title game was probably the worst basketball I've ever seen ever.

On the bright side I saw Lucky Boys Confusion Saturday night and they put on a good show. All day Saturday I spent at Allerton park playing football and throwing a frisbee around. It was a nice relaxation for once in a while. I had a good time there.

Other than that I've been about as productive as a sloth and I just feel like crawling in a hole for a while, unfortunately, I'm fresh out of holes that don't have idiots in them giving me things to do...

April 07, 2002

This house is full of ears, but I can't talk to anyone they've heard this one a thousand times. Most exciting thing I do - hang half way out a third floor window, maybe throw lit cigarettes down. And maybe I'll catch fire, something warm to hold me, something pure to burn away the darkness that hides inside my mind. All that evil shit's not hard to find, I guess I only claim to be nice. This house is full of eyes, but I can't look at anyone they've seen this face a thousand times. Most relaxing thing I do - hang half way out a third floor window, and look at rocks if I fall out. And maybe I'll fall hard, something tough to break me, something sharp to rip into my insides and bleed out all that pain. Sorry I don't even know your name, I guess for me it's easy this way. Maybe I'll catch fire, something warm to hold me, something pure to burn away the darkness that hides inside my mind. All that evil shit's not hard to find, I guess I only claim to be nice.

Yeah so I typed in the password and hit enter before I wrote the post, yeah I'm a moron, it's okay at least I'm aware of it. All better now...

This weekend was a lot of fun, bars, parties, ihop, football, speed, chineese food, Ice Age, and La Bamba's... It always seems to end with La Bamba's... The others are at a BlackHawks game up in Chicago but I decided to hang back cause I have a long day and a test tomorrow and I don't really want to be up too late, or really sit in a car for 5 hours, that kinda sucks too. I think I'm finally begining to allow myself to fully enjoy weekends now. It's almost to the point where the weekends balance out how much the weekdays of stuff to do suck. Almost.

I've gotten ripping DivX movies down to a pretty exact science so I can fit dvd movies on a cd with regular predictibilty. I think the nicest feature of being able to rip DivX films would be to stick them on a laptop to watch on a long trip or flight. I realize that there are plenty of laptops out there with DVD players in them, but in all honesty those things chew through their batteries like a rabid blood-thirsty gnome when you use the DVD player, I've seen it before. And if you can find one that gets through a long trip with a DVD drive and it's battery, it's likely to be the size of a bus. So if you can throw several movies onto a small laptop's hard drive then you can watch them on a plane or whatever and not have to worry about missing the last 20 minutes of the film.

Speaking of films... Ice Age is a terrificly funny movie if you haven't seen it. Yeah, it's a cartoon, yes you can expect cartoon humor. However this, my good friends, is some quality cartoon humor. I swear the little tweaky-ass squirril thing in that you may have seen in the previews is one of the funniest characters I've ever seen.

A note on classes. I had to make a couple of changes to the game plan because it seems as though astronomy doesn't cover the requirement I thought that it did, so it hit the cutting room floor in favor of microbio 100. I heard that this class was not supposed to be too hard and mainly involved reading and not much else, which is fine with me. Next, I have run into the probelm that every one of about 4 different classes that I tried to sign up for as a "western" were not offered in the Fall semester, only in the spring. Which, needless to say, is a bit disappointing. However disappointed I may have been, though, I still wanted an extra few hours so that I could remain over the magic number 12 in case something needs to get dropped during the semester. So, I looked no further than the always lovely department of NRES. With such wonderful classes as "Dirt" and "Trees", I figured this department was just what I was looking for. So I'll be taking NRES100: Earth Care. I don't know about you, but I'm sure as hell psyched...

April 16, 2002

I don't like physics 114. The way the material in the class is presented it promotes "plugging and chugging" as an acceptable problem solving method, and the actual understanding of the material does not get you as far as simply memorizing the special cases where you need to apply "formula A" or "equation B", or your ability to wade through and juggle an endless supply of pointless and mundane unit conversions.

I like case logic. They make cd cases of varying useful sizes that are classy looking with leather(ish) material, durable, don't contain pointless zippered pockets that never get used, and they don't scratch up your cds.

I don't like my music class. What started as an interesting exploration of musics has turned into a class about memorizing obscure terminology and arguing symmantics about subtly worded test questions. The paper for the class had requirements where I found myself writing a paper I didn't like because it had to fit some inane checklist.

I like my ece313 class. Altough the material is hard, the kind of problems I work on have stated real world applications that can be seen as obviously useful even to people without an engineering background. Furthermore, the tests are written in such a way that the only preperation needed is an understanding of the homework problems previously assigned, no trick questions, no hairy implementations of obscure topics.

I don't like wings on the backs of cars. I don't care what kind of car it is if it's not a formula one or a drag racer, guess what- it doesn't get a wing. Wings on road cars are a bastardization of a useful racing tool adapted in an ignorant fashion to another branch of the automotive industry because someone decided one day that it just looked cool cause cars that pushed the envelope had them. Sorry, but I can put a wing on my wang and it doesn't make it push any envelopes, it just makes me a fucking moron.

I like the porsche boxter. The styling is very simple and yet contains very obvious ques from old school porsche heritage. It has performance and road handling to back up the styling, and even the interior guages are clear, easy to read, and intelegently positioned. Out of college I will most likely try to buy one at my earliest convienence.

I don't like bars. While I don't mind going out to have a beer or two with friends, the purpose of bars which has been impressed upon me is futile. Meeting people in bars becomes very hard when the people that are there only want to talk and interact with the people that they came in with. And without that I can turn up my music really loud and drink and play cards with friends at home without paying cover or $2.50 for a bottle of cold beer. Maybe I just don't go to "the right bars"

I like sony. particularly their laptops. They make a wide range of laptops, but there's one I'd like to call attention to in particular that really strikes me as in touch with the purpose of laptops. It has a 30GB hard drive, a 1GHz proc, 256megs of ram, built in nic, modem, pc card slot, and memory stick reader, and a dvd/cd-rw / floppy drive / extra ports / extra battery segment that detatches. Without the wedge the laptop is under an inch think and weighs around 4 pounds. you can actually put it in your lap and use it for it's name without feeling like a tool. it's small enough to toss in a briefcase and not be the only thing in it. It actually represents a portable computer, and not in the sense that you just bring it with you, and set it up in various places.

I don't like people who casually throw the qualifier "pointless" or "stupid" in when referring to my website on the front page of this site. Is this to distinguish from my "meaningful" or "intelegent" site that is located elsewhere? I am humble enough to accept that my site holds a handful of regular vistors, many of which are people that know me and are thus, by definition, very limited, and the remainder of the visits go to the flash pages and the like to view material that I and others made over a year ago. I don't really care to be honest with you. I have this site now because I can. I don't play around with php or other languages on it in the present because I don't have time, and in what time I do have, I don't want to. This is what purpose this site holds. I host pictures on it to link to people and it makes it easy for me to write little articles like this and share song lyrics without cluttering up everyone's mail box.

I like the band Morphine. Something about the guts it took to have an alternative band with three guys playing a two string bass, a sax, and a drum set while the bassest sang the vocals. The jazzy feeling of the songs really goes a long way with me I guess, and I reccomend just about any of their music. Notably good albums include: Like Swimming, Good, Yes, and Cure for Pain.

I wrote this with the initial plan of it just being a rant, but I felt like being positive about it would help me feel better. Help level the playing feild between appreciation and cynicism. But although I've tried to do that I still feel like shit. This semester has been going on in the same rut pattern for what feels like the last forever. I always have at least three things looming over m head at any given time. I'm tired all the time, I don't get enough sleep, and I'm not getting payoffs in the form of grades that reflect what this semester is taking out. I'm not doing bad by any means, but there have been very few pats on the back or "way to goes" this semester and even a stubborn asshole like me needs some of that from time to time, I think we all do.

April 24, 2002

You could see me reaching, so why couldn’t you have met me halfway? You could see me bleeding, but you could not put pressure on the wound.... You only think about yourself. You only think about yourself. You’d better bend before I go... on the first train to Mexico.... You could see me breathing, but you still kept your hand over my mouth.... You could feel me seething, but you just turned your nose up in the air.... You only think about yourself. You only think about yourself... You’d better bend before I go... on the first train to Mexico.....

A little more Incubus... Sometimes it's amazing, you turn around one day and you have a cd collection. It's hard to believe such a thing could happen now adays, especially considering I have something like 12 gigs of mp3s on my machine, but it can.

I'm trying desperately to wind down here at the end of the longest semester ever, but my classes aren't really letting me. I still have two big homework assignments due next week the last day of classes and I have an hour exam on monday in music. As my ece313 professor was passing out the next assignment about two or three of us kinda groaned that will still had more work to do. To which he replied, "there are only a few things that are certain: death, taxes, and the cursed 14th homework assignment." I suppose he's right, thinking that at the end of a semester like this that I'd get a break is a long stretch of wishful thinking.

I got myself a simple (D-pad, 4 buttons, two triggers) game controller so now I can play the original Legend of Zelda, Super Mario Brothers 3, 1943, and Rush N' Attack in all their glory on my computer. It's remarkable how much harder those games seemed way back when I apparently sucked hard core at platform jumpers.

Joel got his site back up again and I think he's kept it simple and yet legible enough that it could work very well. It's funny how two people that know each other can keep each other writing entries if they both have blog/journal/thingies so much easier than it is to keep going on your own. And since, really, llamanade.net has essentially turned into an unglorified message board for everyone (not a bad thing) joel and I are the only ones still fucking stubborn enough to think that this is actually a good idea.

btw it's clearly a tennis ball she's holding...

April 27, 2002

Candy told me nothing really matters anymore. And when I ask her what she means she says I ought to know. Candy said she's made arrangements for me in the sand. And Candy said she wants me with her down in Candyland. Candy says she wonders why we try. I couldn't think of what to say. I had no ready reply. But Candy says I'd like it where she is. She says it's an opportunity that I don't want to miss. Candy said she's made arrangements for me in the sand. And Candy said she wants me with her down in Candyland. Candy said she wants me with her down in Candyland. Candy asked me if she died if I could go on? Of course I said I couldn't and of course we knew that's wrong. "But Candy," I said "Candy no you can't do that to me. Because you love me way too much for you to ever leave." Candy said she's made arrangements for me in the sand. And Candy said she wants me with her down in Candyland.

I got four Morphine CDs now. My favorite is by far Cure For Pain though, so if you want some great modern jazz...

Yes the front page has turned into some kind of joke against humanity it would seem and I actually think it's kinda funny. By fighting back I perpetuate the problem but in wars you fight back, and this is a war on goatse. At the moement it's set up such that anyone who attempts to post links to goatse will not only be immediately forwarded to said site, and the link will be removed from the post, but it will be replaced with an announcement explaining that the owner of the post had just sent themselves to the aformentioned armpit of the internet. Yes I've turned to fighting fire with fire, and I feel like this is the best way to deal with it, I think we were all getting tired of links to disney.com anyway.

Apparently there was some controversy stirred up in my music class recently concerning the papers that were handed in. The assignment was to write an ethnographic paper about either one of the invited class presenters, a local musical group that you may know or wish to know in more detail, or some aspect of your family's musical background. The idea behind an ethnography is to include some history and background information about the subject you are writing about, and then to write a detailed account and description of that group to the end that the person reading it would get as close to the full on experience of seeing the subject as possible. This is great and dandy and all, and I did my paper on a presenter playing the highland bagpipes (which if you are so inclined you can grab a copy of here) but a decent amount of people leaned to heavily toward research (maybe a few dozen in the class of a few hundred) and my teacher got really angry at them and gave them all zeros. Kinda harsh if you ask me, and as long as she didn't think mine was too "researchy" then we cool.

So I've been sleeping like a damn jackass the past week. It all started with being sick and missing class to go into a NyQuil induced coma on Monday in hopes of beating out a cold. Since then I've been taking a pretty steady dose of benadryl to be able to breathe through my nose and feel normal, but the side affect is it plays hell with your little mental clock. Then I went and stayed up all night tuesday night doing ece homework so I didn't get to sleep until after classes wednesday afternoon. The rest of the week since then has been somewhat blurry. Somewhere between my awkward sleeping and classes I managed to see some of the most depressing Blackhawks performances in the history of the NHL. I've still been getting things done and I'm never really tired at times that I need to be awake, coupled with getting some time alone to watch moves that I should have watched a long time ago (like The Shining) and I don't really feel like this is all that bad for me. But I can still aknowledge that it's got to stop cause I don't get to hang out with friends as much as I like to and I've become that weird zombie guy on the weekend who never gets tired and everyone else just wants to pass out.

I've found myself wanting to drive places just to get out and drive and listen to my music if only for 15 or 20 minutes, alone or otherwise, it's just been really refreshing, I dunno, random observation.

I put an ad in the paper that starts monday to try and pick up a forth roommate for next year, people tell me that I shouldn't worry about it and I'll at least get some phone calls about it. I hope their right, and I'm gonna try and believe them until prooven otherwise. There's not an over-abundance of adds cluttering the classifieds for roommates wanted so I think our chances are pretty good. And hey, maybe I'll be watching the roommates wanted section of the paper and I'll run accross someone looking for us. Now wouldn't that be something else?

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