chaz720.net - journal

October 07, 2003

Are you such a dreamer, to put the world to rights? I'll stay home forever, where two and two always makes a five. I'll lay down the tracks, sandbag and hide. January has April showers, and two and two always makes a five. It's the devil's way now, there is no way out. You can scream and you can shout, it is too late now. Because you're not there, payin' attention. Yeah I feel it, I needed attention. Yeah I need it, I needed attention. Yeah I love it, the attention. Soon oh, I try to sing along, but the music's all wrong. Cos I'm not. Cos I'm not. I'll swallow up flies, I back and hide, but I'm not. Oh hail to the thief, Oh hail to the thief, But I'm not. But I'm not. Don't question my authority, or put me in the box, cos I'm not. Cos I'm not. Oh go up to the king, and the sky is falling in, but it's not. But it's not. Maybe not... Maybe not...

See... This is why we can't have nice things. I was doing so well there for a few weeks too, ah well.

Yeah classes are definitely a lot of work this semester. And so is this whole presidency thing. By the time Saturday morning rolls around each week and it's time to drive down to Archway (usually giving 2 or 3 people a ride) I'm so worn out that the people joining the club probably think I'm some kinda grumpy troll or something. It's okay, after I get a jump in I'm smiles the rest of the day so hopefully it evens out.

This week is really goofy as far as classes and work is laid out which is kinda refreshing, I was getting tired of the same old thing every week. And while I do have a couple tests this week and two more the following, I have lectures and labs missing from my schedule left and right so I have more than ample time to get things done and study. I had my power-circuits test last night which went pretty well, and now I have history studying, ece373, and ece386 assignments standing between me and the always joyous weekend. Which is, naturally, why I'm using this time to write a journal entry.

My history class has finally stopped talking about valves in the blood vessles and experiments in which they would be made to rupture in live animals for the sake of science, and is starting to get more into what sounds like the birth of modern engineering. This is the kind of thing I took the course to learn about, so that's good. And I gotta tell you, there was only so many more lectures of that I was going to be able to get through doodling in the margins and humming "it's a small world" to myself.

The trackball I bought, and have loved since, around the time this journal started is finally puttering out despite my claims that the thought of such an occurance at the time of purchase would be preposterous. It still tracks like a champ, but the quality with which the buttons communicate my intent to click on items I have tracked to has slipped considerably. I ordered what I consider to be a fairly worthy successor. Figuring that four years is a pretty good run for such a device, I went with logitech again. Perhaps this one will never break...

I made six jumps this weekend, I think four the weekend before that, and some more before that, I don't really remember. I did some sit-flying (and I use the term loosely as I'm still a wobbly, spinny, idiot when trying to sit) as well as some relative-work, where I feel a lot better about my progress. The last couple of RW jumps have gone pretty well, and I learned quite a bit on them. I think Jason (the DZ owner) is right, knock off the freeflying until I get good at RW and go from there.

And hey, how about those Cubs, eh? I watched games 3 and 5 at Legends on the big screens they have there drinking Old Style with David, Hans, and Katie. Better times are hard to find.

October 23, 2003

Talk to me now I'm older. Your friends'll do cuz I told her. Friday night's a bit lonely, change your plans and then phone me. We could go and get forties, fuck going to that party. Oh really, your folks are away now? Alright, let's go, you convinced me. 12:51 is the time my voice found the words I sought. Is it this stage I want? The world is shutting up for us. Oh we were tense for sure, but we was confident. Kiss me now that I'm older, I won't try to control you. Friday night's a bit lonely, take it slow but don't warn me. We'd go out and get forties, then we'd go to some party. Oh really, your folks are away now? Alright I'm coming, I'll be right there.

So yeah, everyone has funks. You're doing this, you're doing that, at some point in the chaos your body keeps going through the motions and your mind steps back for a minute, grabs a beer, and watches your life go by. If it likes what it sees it'll finish the beer and get back to work. If it doesn't, it grabs another beer and starts getting introspective.

So it would seem the common task for most good friends when they take a look at their buddy, and notice his brain making it's way over to the fridge, is to snap him out of it, and get his mind focused on something else. This has varying results, and sometimes, for whatever reason, no one makes the save. Destination: funk.

So now I'm sitting here trying to figure out what the hell it is I'm doing, what I'm not doing, and what I should be doing, and it's hard to get things organized. One thing I do know about funks is no one wants to fucking hear about it for any reason, ever, so don't bother bringing it up. I'm guessing I've lost half the people who usually read this already. Someone who notices you down and will try to cheer you up thinking you're just having a hiccup mentioned earlier, but as soon as they figure out you're in a real funk, efforts tend to dry up pretty quick.

This is what got me here in the first place. I make positive efforts to be upbeat whenever possible, I meet and get to know the basics of around 5-6 people a week, I usually always have something to say if needed, and I'm up for going out and having a drink and chewing the fat pretty much anytime. This sets up the image that I'm usually in a pretty good mood, which is accurate, and is generally a good thing. Unfortunately, I took a look around and among all these people, I wouldn't say I have a good outlet for the handful of things that really chew on me. Things like not getting the part-time job I wanted at Motorola this school year, still having heard nothing from Motorola about next year, family drama, and (on a slightly more grandiose scale) not yet having had a single meaningful intimate relationship with anyone.

So I think happy thoughts.

There's nothing that makes me feel good like a sense of accomplishment, even on a relatively small scale. Getting done with all my schoolwork each week (and believe me, I do enough work every work where this becomes signifigant) is kinda a big thing for me, even if I'll tell you I'm sour to it. Skydiving is another big one, you may have guessed, and any, even minor, accomplishments in the air make me feel really good. (even though habitually I have at least one jump in which I catch the formation flying too fast and take everyone out with me.)

So now I'll try and focus on that, I'm about half-way through my last homework assignment of the week, and this weekend I'm definitely going skydiving, I don't care what the weather forecast looks like.

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