chaz720.net - journal

October 23, 2003

Talk to me now I'm older. Your friends'll do cuz I told her. Friday night's a bit lonely, change your plans and then phone me. We could go and get forties, fuck going to that party. Oh really, your folks are away now? Alright, let's go, you convinced me. 12:51 is the time my voice found the words I sought. Is it this stage I want? The world is shutting up for us. Oh we were tense for sure, but we was confident. Kiss me now that I'm older, I won't try to control you. Friday night's a bit lonely, take it slow but don't warn me. We'd go out and get forties, then we'd go to some party. Oh really, your folks are away now? Alright I'm coming, I'll be right there.

So yeah, everyone has funks. You're doing this, you're doing that, at some point in the chaos your body keeps going through the motions and your mind steps back for a minute, grabs a beer, and watches your life go by. If it likes what it sees it'll finish the beer and get back to work. If it doesn't, it grabs another beer and starts getting introspective.

So it would seem the common task for most good friends when they take a look at their buddy, and notice his brain making it's way over to the fridge, is to snap him out of it, and get his mind focused on something else. This has varying results, and sometimes, for whatever reason, no one makes the save. Destination: funk.

So now I'm sitting here trying to figure out what the hell it is I'm doing, what I'm not doing, and what I should be doing, and it's hard to get things organized. One thing I do know about funks is no one wants to fucking hear about it for any reason, ever, so don't bother bringing it up. I'm guessing I've lost half the people who usually read this already. Someone who notices you down and will try to cheer you up thinking you're just having a hiccup mentioned earlier, but as soon as they figure out you're in a real funk, efforts tend to dry up pretty quick.

This is what got me here in the first place. I make positive efforts to be upbeat whenever possible, I meet and get to know the basics of around 5-6 people a week, I usually always have something to say if needed, and I'm up for going out and having a drink and chewing the fat pretty much anytime. This sets up the image that I'm usually in a pretty good mood, which is accurate, and is generally a good thing. Unfortunately, I took a look around and among all these people, I wouldn't say I have a good outlet for the handful of things that really chew on me. Things like not getting the part-time job I wanted at Motorola this school year, still having heard nothing from Motorola about next year, family drama, and (on a slightly more grandiose scale) not yet having had a single meaningful intimate relationship with anyone.

So I think happy thoughts.

There's nothing that makes me feel good like a sense of accomplishment, even on a relatively small scale. Getting done with all my schoolwork each week (and believe me, I do enough work every work where this becomes signifigant) is kinda a big thing for me, even if I'll tell you I'm sour to it. Skydiving is another big one, you may have guessed, and any, even minor, accomplishments in the air make me feel really good. (even though habitually I have at least one jump in which I catch the formation flying too fast and take everyone out with me.)

So now I'll try and focus on that, I'm about half-way through my last homework assignment of the week, and this weekend I'm definitely going skydiving, I don't care what the weather forecast looks like.

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